Last week I took the piss out of the peeps who were responsible for the stupid designs on England rugby shirts (‘Getting Shirty’) and mentioned that I had been involved in some pretty stupid ads and promotions over the years. Some of these involved the Brooke Bond Chimps – working with them was mostly better than trying to have a sensible discussion with primates from the front row – but not always. We won a lot of awards for the ads – one of which was when I was very junior in the marketing department. This particular prize was to be handed out during a black tie dinner at the Dorchester. I was the only poor sod not invited and I took a lot of stick from my colleagues who decided that this was bloody hilarious, telling me they’d save me the odd vol au vent (not even a bleeding pasty then, unsophisticated bastards). Naturally, I took all this in good part simply suggesting that they should “go fuck themselves”. Imagine my delight when I was summoned to the managing director’s office on the morning of the dinner to be asked if I possessed a dinner jacket. “Don’t be a twat I’m a kid from Catford” – luckily I didn’t say this out loud and grinning stupidly said that I could probably hire one. I was ever so chuffed – right up to the moment when he explained that some fucking idiot had suggested that we should get one of the chimps to go up to collect the award. I managed to stifle a guffaw thinking that this would be a fun evening culminating in tossing bread rolls around – I was sadly mistaken. My important role, as it turned out, was to take the little bastard up ahead of the marketing director and then walk him back through the crowded tables. Even worse both the chimp and me were to be in monkey jackets (as in DJs – not as extras from ‘Planet of the Apes’). No doubt everybody would be jeering at me rather than the simian git! Meanwhile the marketing director would probably be being about as eloquent into the mike as my mate holding onto my paw would have been. To further add to my humiliation I wasn’t even going to get a starter and a drop of bubbly – I was to be with the trainer in a back room learning how not to get bitten and contract rabies during my stroll with ‘Cyril the fucking Cyclist’! It didn’t end there – as soon as we walked out together I was to drive my new mate in a van down to Southend so that he could open a new Tesco supermarket the next morning. Seriously I am not making this up – we often had to organise this sort of stupidity – I even got a letter once asking if the chimp could say a few words – god I wish I’d kept that! Surprisingly it didn’t go too badly although I’m pretty sure both Bush and Hickey were in the audience having the most enormous fun. However, both Cyril and I were fairly well behaved – both of us managing not to poo ourselves on stage in all the excitement. After a bit of shoving into the back of the heated van – the chimp, not the trainer or myself – I headed off to the Essex coast. The little bastard screamed and threw himself about the whole journey – possibly not in favour of the tunes on Radio Caroline that I turned up to drown him out (which is actually what I felt like doing). The MD had graciously allowed me to stay in a (cheap) hotel overnight and after a huge breakfast ( my expenses claim would have impressed an MP) I got the train back to Croydon. One redeeming feature was that the blokes and Doris’ in the department were too hung over from all the free booze to take the piss – well not until the next day anyway. I have loads more stupid stories – some of them I can put here without being sued too. These are when I had what Terry called ‘a proper job’ – i.e. not working for Chunky. Some of those are definitely not printable