Apart from a tea party and punitive taxes, I’m not sure what exactly we did when America was part of the colonies to make them want to go on still punishing us today.
I suppose we did send them convicts from Scotland and Ireland too – but that was only until we found that it was much more fun to ship the felons off to annoy the aborigines.
Anyway, all that ended in 1776, so why won’t the bastards stop imposing stupid stuff on us today.
A few weeks ago we had yet another bloody (sic) Halloween with gangs of prepubescent hooligans demanding handfuls of sweets under the threat of burning down your garden shed (and stack of hidden porno mags). Obviously we forked out on bags of Mars bars – couldn’t risk my treasured ‘Debbie Does Dallas (this time it’s personal)’ DVD.
The way they grabbed at the chocs it’s no wonder the kids have a bleeding obesity problem – am surprised they could waddle up the path without needing a 10 minute sit down. They had to of course, I’d moved our garden bench – wouldn’t want it collapsing under some porky 10 year old, or being used as kindling for the shed.
When I was growing up Halloween didn’t exist – well it did obviously, but it was celebrated about as much as the ‘Great Turnip Disaster of 1669’ – that is to say, not too often.
Now the shops are full of haunting crap, creepy masks and silly costumes. It would be cheaper for parents to buy the brats a giant Toblerone and keep the little sods indoors.
I can do without it to be honest – I mean who wants to be grabbed by the ghoulies?
Today it is another load of old, or rather new, bollocks – ‘Black Friday’. The traditional big sales day from across the pond that follows Thanksgiving and signals the start of the nightmare that is Christmas shopping.
Memo to all UK retailers – you may not have noticed, but we don’t do Thanksgiving here chum, so the last Friday in November is just another…Friday!
Despite this there is an avalanche of ‘special deals’ both in store and online that muppets flock to
Some stores started ‘Black Friday’ earlier in the week and one group is having a 10 day ‘Black Friday’ sale – which, to my reckoning, is 2 Fridays, 2 Saturdays, 2 Sundays and 2 Mondays plus several other days – maybe they can’t tell the time either.
Just to prove it’s simply a transparent excuse to pretend to cut prices to a very low level everyone is getting on the bandwagon. This year I have seen ‘Black Friday’ deals advertised on cruise lines, golf equipment, magazine subscriptions, perfume, hotel rooms, fashion, art supplies, air fares, rugby togs, craft shops, phone contracts and computer gear – including a very special, once in a lifetime offer on a motherboard (whatever the fuck that is).
Chocs also get plenty of cuts – which seems to me losing a trick (ha ha) when they could have organised it a few weeks ago to coincide with Halloween.
Not to be outdone, rugby clubs are offering what they call ‘Black Friday’ specials – with Harlequins, Wasps and the Ospreys at the forefront.
No doubt there are a few good deals in these sales designed to draw you in, but you can bet that most are just a few bob off. The very special prices are often either loss leaders, last year’s style or overstocked items.
The big hope is that you’ll get caught up in a mad frenzy as witnessed by the rather attractive instore riots last year. Those did look an enormous amount of fun.
When I was actually employed, we had the DFS advertising account – a retail outfit that had more sales than Lord Nelson’s fleet.
The guv there, Lord Kirkham, was the best retailer I ever met and he taught me a lot about the game. The sofas we advertised were selected by him and they were all at incredibly low prices that always looked too good to be true. His Lordship explained that they were simply to drive punters into his gaff (although I’m not sure these were his exact words).
He didn’t pay his salesmen commission on these advertised sofas – their job was to persuade the eager visitors to buy sofas with a decent margin. The prices were still good, but not so low that it cost him. Not rocket science I grant you – but you can’t argue with the fact that Lord Kirkham became a self- made billionaire knocking out top notch settees. Smart man.
Today we have the Black Death, Black Monday, Black Bart, Black witches, Black magic and unlucky Black cats – ah, so that’s where the description comes from!
Although on the positive side we had Black Alex!
Me? I’m black balling the whole bloody thing!