Askean Look a Likes

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Askean Look a Likes

Thought it was about time that we had a few Askean look a likes!
First up is Doggy and Dunky (which would make a good name for a kids TV show – or alternatively a rather suggestive pornographic film).
I will add a bloke who looks similar to me as soon as I can get a shot of George Clooney in the right light (virtually a total blackout obviously).
Anyone who has any other ideas (for look a likes not porno films) – please forward to me (preferably with photos)

Something for the Weekend

As some of you know I have a column on a couple of web sites (rugby as well as porn channels). Each week I do a preview of the Aviva premiership (and the latest X rated movies).

In the last three weeks I have correctly predicted 16 out of 18 games (I throw darts at the match fixtures or ask the cat) and also been forced to watch some rather explicit blue movies. Some of the things I’ve seen are still illegal in the Home Counties (although not Wales obviously) – the films are pretty near the mark too!

Here’s the forecast for this week – so you can see on Monday whether I have egg on my face (which will hopefully be a Cadbury Cream one – no blue film jokes please)

Benefitting from a Replacement

Aviva Premiership Review – R16

After some 90 matches in this season’s Aviva premiership my predictions are running at around a healthy 80% level. Hard to believe I know, but a ringing endorsement for the old blindfold and pin system I think you’ll agree.

It’s another break in the 6 Nations this week and some teams will benefit from having the international bench replacements available for their clubs.

There are some cracking fixtures and Stuart Lancaster will be keeping his fingers crossed for no cracking bones – especially in his pack subs.

First up is Bath v Saracens on Friday and both sides should have several players returned – Ashton, Mako and Brad Barritt for Sarries – Attwood, Watson and Ford for Bath. On balance I think it will be the home side who will benefit more and with home advantage I have Bath to win – just.

There are four Saturday games – Exeter host Irish, London clubs –  Harlequins and Wasps are home to Worcester and Sale respectively and a resurgent Gloucester visit Northampton.

Regular readers will know of my enthusiasm for the Chiefs and I think this is the week when they will get back on the winning trail – it will not be easy as Irish are showing some form, but Sandy park can be hostile – and even Marlon Yarde will not find a lot of space to operate.

Harlequins had a blip last week but it is almost inconceivable that they won’t pick up at least 4 points at the Stoop against the lowly Warriors despite missing Brown, Care and Robshaw.

Wasps v Sale is a tougher call but I’m making this my first away win for the weekend. Steve Diamond is building a strong side and with Danny Cipriani kicking his goals and playing close to the gain line, I expect them to come away with a hard fought win.

Gloucester have at last started to look like the a squad that can play – but I still think it is too much to expect them to win at Franklin’s Gardens – despite the number of Saints players remaining at Twickenham.

The final match on Sunday sees Leicester away at Newcastle – this is my second away win forecast. The Tigers are not looking their usual selves – but have still managed to get back into the play-off places. They will have Ed Slater and the Youngs brothers to boost them and we may even see the long awaited return of Manu off the bench. The Tigers by enough to deny the Falcons even a losing bonus point.

So –

Bath to take Saracens

Exeter return to winning ways against Irish

Quins back to form v Worcester

Sale come away from Wasps with 4 points

Northampton stop Gloucester and

Leicester to pick up a win in Newcastle

A good weekend in prospect as we move forward to the following weekend’s big clashes in the 6 Nations.

 

If you want the review of the films (and where to download them) please send a brown self- addressed envelope with 35 quid in it.

A Different League

When I played at Askeans (about the middle of the last century – no kidding actually) it was the amateur era. Having said that, there would have been absolutely no danger of me getting a stipend even if it hadn’t been! We paid to play each week and didn’t even get subsidised beer – not that it restricted our drinking too much, (or indeed at all).

The blokes in charge of the game, like the RFU, were a pretty liberal bunch – wanting any union player who pitched up to a rugby league trial (much less a proper game) or wrote an autobiography, to be hung, drawn and quartered (and probably thought that was too good for them).

To be fair there was no hypocrisy at the RFU and they probably hated having to fly first class round the world and be entertained royally at matches without having to pay for tickets. And, to their credit they even gave players something like a 2/6d daily allowance out of the hundreds of thousands of pounds they raked in (and spent on themselves).

The Unions (which is what the players really needed) waged a war against rugby league – or would have done if the blokes (t’up north) had been arsed enough to take any notice of them

There were high profile ‘transfers’ to league clubs – Dai Watkins, Jonathan Davies, Scott (Gibbs and Quinell) , Alan Tait, Keith Fielding, Martin Offiah, Bryan West and John Gallagher (former Askean) to name a few. There were none that I can recall coming the other way – players on wages seemingly a bit reluctant to  go down mines or carry a hod for the pleasure of being bullied by Twickenham or Cardiff (strange eh?).

At Askeans we did however benefit from being coached by two former league players – Rod Turner and Bryan West – the RFU sanctioned this heresy on the basis that they were now teachers (me either). Bryan did actually turn out for us a number of times – I think he was M. Mouse in the programme. I imagine the statute of limitations will save those of us who lined up with him from being sent to Coventry (even worse Wigan or Hull).

Since the union game went professional – a move which the RFU embraced with the good grace of inviting a suicide bomber to lunch – the traffic between the two codes has reversed. Lote Tuquiri, Wendell Sailor, Jason Robinson, Sonny Bill, Andy Farrell, Chris Ashton, Iestyn Harris being some of the biggest names. Now we have Sam Burgess about to join Bath and Sam Tomkins thinking about making the switch.

Naturally, rugby league bosses are a bit miffed about this and the Salford boss, Marwan (lots of cash) Koukash is fighting to add a ‘marquee player’ rule to the salary cap (something which already exists in the Aviva premiership). He has also stated that he will recruit union players (including British Lions) to his club. The first name being touted (at least in the press) is Manu Tuilagi – others who might be of interest to Mr Koukash would be George North, Jamie Heaslip, the Vunipolas; Sam Warburton, Jamie Roberts, Peter O’Mahony and Sean O’Brien.

The problem he will have is that these guys are already well paid – and with the new TV contracts being negotiated, the clubs are going to have a lot more dosh to play with. There’s no salary cap in France and Saracens boss, Nigel Wray is now lobbying for it to be dropped in the Premiership. Since a number of Welsh players have declined to leave the province for the warmth of Toulon – they are hardly likely to be attracted to the delights of Salford.

If you wanted to play with only 13 on your side – there are better places. Rugby League is massive (as are the players) in Australia where the State of Origin attracts a huge following (for the uninitiated, it’s the equivalent of Yorkshire v the Home Counties) – the wage packets are similarly big and the climate is better down under – again Salford v Sydney?

In the UK the profile, money, sponsorship and TV revenues in union are better than league – so good luck with your recruitment mate.

When I played it was for the love of the game and the camaraderie (that’s craic if you’re Irish) – being and laughing with mates, drinking and taking the piss were what I loved about it. Would I have liked to have been paid? Of course you idiot – think of how much more beer I could have gulped down, spilled down my front or thrown over blokes like Paddy and Locks. Obviously I wouldn’t have risked chucking it at the forwards even if it was free!

Spamalot

Every morning I check my e-mails for that elusive offer of a book publishing contract – and each time I am deflated by the inevitable disappointment when none comes.

To be fair this is not so surprising – not just because of the low quality of the writing but also since I have never submitted anything to a publisher in the first place. However, that is hardly the point – alright it is – but as I get a fair number of unsolicited communications it seems not totally unreasonable to suppose a random e-mail (perhaps from Random House Publishing) might find itself misdirected and dumped in my in box.

After all, I have received a number of offers to send me several million $ (as well as £, €, Naira, Roubles and Rand) from Generals, widows, millionaire hostages, well off refugees and other philanthropists for no apparent reason other than they think that I am a nice bloke (I know – weird eh?) Be that as it may (or may not) a desperate book mogul is certainly not beyond the realms of possibility.

I have yet to take up one of the tempting and generous offers of free cash simply because Terry has been in charge of our finances ever since a sarcastic bank manager wrote to ask if I could return to the arrangement whereby I deposited money with them.

For some inexplicable reason Terry feels that the offer (free cash not the bank managers suggestion) is a tad suspicious (she’s not very trusting for some reason) and refuses to divulge our bank details for me to pass on to kindly General Orizuwangara. Despite Terry’s guffawing and her insisting that “if it sounds too good etc…” I feel this is a missed financial opportunity and my hopes of getting One Direction to play a special concert in our back garden for my next birthday have been dashed (not all bad then).

I have also been inundated with e-mails offering a variety of Viagra pills, the opportunity to lose several pounds of unsightly fat and a simple way to enlarge my penis.

What I want to know is just how these people have been able to target me so accurately.

I am suspicious that Terry is forwarding some rather personal information to these companies and that they see me as an easy target for their dubious (but surprisingly attractive) offerings.

Naturally I immediately deleted these insulting offers – although I did make a note of their web sites just in case I need them for future reference.

All this is by the by – since this morning I received the ultimate degrading communication –

From: Alzheimers
Sent: 25 February 2014 13:34
To: davidshute@lineone.net
Subject: Get your complimentary 16 page Alzheimer’s and dementia guide
 

A special offer for you, David

Get your free guide here!

I think my wife has been at it again and I would take it up with her but I can’t remember where I put her, what I’m doing here or why I have these bananas in my ears.

Harro’s Got Talent (but not much)

Another classic (disaster) from Harro.

Hard to believe that he played for St Luke’s, England Students, London Irish and Blackheath. Not so hard to believe he also played for Askeans and Taunton (some of the latter are in the video)

From: pete harrison 

Sent: 25 February 2014 12:14
To: davidshute@outlook.com
Subject: You Tube

Apparently Mandy set up her You Tube a/c a few years ago on my computer to show me a video that was taken of me taking the stage, bolloxed obviously, after the Racehorse v Taunton charity match 2011. Explains why it went from her to you.

If you have a spare few minutes & want a laugh go to You Tube and type in ‘harro does a turn 2011’

I kidnapped the band’s microphone when they were on a break and engage the whole pub in a sing a long. It’s not pretty but worth a flick through!  I’ll warn you I was the wrong side of 10 pints of Somerset’s finest apples! You will notice a few faces and voices probably!

Enjoy! or not! 

Pete Harrison

The link is – http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aBz9X_SCjC0 and as he admits – it’s not pretty!

Clothes Line

I found this video clip of a tackle in the ‘Sam Burgess’ style from a game between Israel and Gibraltar (don’t ask) and decided to tweet it for others to enjoy with the note that the ref must have been Stevie Wonder as he ruled the tackle legal

http://www.joe.ie/rugby/rugby-news/gif-brutal-wwe-style-tackle-prevents-try-in-israelgibraltar-rugby-match/

Phil Amato responded that it looked fine to him as it was below his hair (there’s a real Askean for you!)

Having watched the clip again I am inclined to agree with Phil – the bloke being tackled really made a meal of it and should have been red carded for ‘diving’. A bad call ref – try and keep up in future.

The episode reminded me of the time I was short-armed and the bloke broke my jaw – I was probably also lucky not to have been at least yellow carded (although they didn’t have them back then of course)