Fat Out of Hell

Man with large beer gut holding pint glass full of beer

One of the top stories on the news today is the suggestion from a health body that calorie details should be posted on alcoholic drinks – presumably on the labels and next to the bar rather than on the bottom of the glass or bottle (by which time it’s too late!) The BBC asked a number of people which of the following had the most calories – pint of lager, jam donut, glass of red wine or pint of Guinness (although being ever so PC the BBC called it an Irish stout). Before you ask, I have no fucking idea how you drink a donut – maybe it was just there in case anyone got the munchies after chugging the others. Nobody got it right – turns out red wine is highest, then donut, then Guinness and lastly lager. Good news or what? Seems you can get right on the Carlsberg Special Brew as soon as you like without fear of turning into a porker (at least that’s what I think they were getting at).

They had a bloke on who had lost almost 12 stone in the last year by cutting down on his drinking. I mean, what the fuck was this guy guzzling back then to have all that timber on him? He must have been so pissed that I’m surprised he could get to the bar much less get a pint to his lips. I don’t think throwing bitter counts as I imagine you have to chug it first in order to benefit from the calories. He looks pretty good now to be fair – especially next to the cardboard cut-out of what he weighed in at 12 months ago. I think the bloody cardboard stand-up must weigh more than he does today, although it’s hard to be sure as it obscured most of the studio lighting!

When I played, the Askeans were well known for being a drinking team who played rugby now and then – as were most of the clubs we came up against – including Brocks, Blackheath, St Lukes, Loughborogh, Penarth, etc.

Sidcup of course only deigned to sip gin and tonic – but without the gin, obviously!

I pretty much don’t drink now – gave up around 5 years ago when Terry’s bombshell was dropped. Can you imagine just how bleeding porky I’d be today if I’d had another 5 years booze shoved down my pasty hole? The selfie above was taken a couple of years ago – I’ve dropped nearly 3 lbs since then – slinnnnky!

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Misspelt Youth

As anyone who’s made the mistake of returning here more than a couple of times (most come back at least twice as they can’t believe how bad it is and want to check) will know, I was well below average at school.

I only got into the grammar (school not articulate English, obviously) because I played football for the school and borough. Wilf (Deputy Head and Askean) mistakenly assumed a level of sporting prowess that could be transferred to the rugby field. If he’d checked my 11 plus he might have spotted that the examiner was my uncle (only joking, he was the local priest and liked me to sit on his lap after evensong).

So, you may well be surprised that this blog has a better than you’d expect standard of English. This is because I did a Master’s at Oxford University as a mature student. Don’t be so bleeding gullible; I’ve never been called ‘mature’. Also have never been to an Oxford college (except to collect Lell at the end of term).

Truth is that Terry reads this stuff before I post it and invariably points out a truckload of corrections that are required. I do tend to change most of the things she points out (usually while guffawing) but I usually doze off when she tries to explain floating apostrophes. I shouldn’t really complain she has now kindly edited over 600 of these daft things! Probably the only one who has read the lot! When I’m drafting stuff I also get lots of wiggly red lines under words which indicate that my spelling isn’t up to much either. Luckily it gives you options so using multiple guesswork most get corrected.

The point of this (assuming there is one) being that a combination of Terry, Google and past the post editing means that whilst the content is largely rubbish the spelling and grammar are pretty immaculate (if not conceptional). There are some people who do not have the same opportunity to make corrections and these can be both embarrassing and permanent. I particularly like these ones –98fb66b1-e937-425f-8ea4-d4338fafa5a7 misspelled tattoo misspelled-tattoos-9 pmyksheffield_tattoos7

And there are loads more here – http://elitedaily.com/slideshows/misspelled-tattoos/ I know a few props who can spell better than this – although not many admittedly!

When I worked in advertising we were also careful in the use of typography – it has to be legible and clear – you do wonder how the design company and client let this one through! You’d like to think it was on purpose or whilst they were drinking!iceland-mince-pies-minge-pies-christmas-407445

Some Stuff

A couple of quick things –

A rant of mine has just been put up at the ‘Last Word on Sport’ site – in the unlikely event that you can be arsed – http://lastwordonsports.com/2014/10/30/rugby-union-tv-rights-and-wrongs/

And secondly,, to prove that she occasionally reads this blog, Lell (who’s in Florida on her way to St Lucia) sent me a note saying that further to yesterday’s nonsense, her good friend Andrew is also appearing in ‘The Great Fire’ on TV. He’s a professional dancer (and has been on ‘Strictly’) so, I imagine he was either, doing the gavotte in the Palace, or helping to stamp out the flames with his best flamenco!

Cokell – It’s The Real Thing

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We watched the ‘Great Fire’ recording last night and it struck us how the bloke who started the blaze looked like Laurie Cokell. Technically this isn’t really an Askean look-a-like as Laurie played most of his rugby at Blackheath, but he also turned out a few times for the Askean Dukes (as well as Harlequins and England U21s) and since it’s my blog and I couldn’t think of much to write today it’s going in!

Laurie worked for Chunky and Graham at the same time as I did and then went on to head up London Records. He used our agency (KWS) to do some of his advertising and it was always interesting to present creative ideas to some of the guys there who were obviously well out of it!

When we were still able to travel, Terry and I visited Laurie, Siobhan and their boys a few times in their place in Noosa on the Gold Coast. We would then go to Sydney to meet Paddy and Bernadette – we always sank a few and I’m surprised my liver is still working (as is my doctor – surprised that is – he’s still working, obviously!)

Animal Farm

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I have made a number of references (alright jokes) in the blog about sheep worrying in the valleys. For many years ,growing up, this was our only real opportunity to take the piss when we travelled to the Arms Park, as during the 70s the Welsh would regularly give us (and the other home nations) a bloody good hiding (which is what we did when they came into the showers).

Rather worryingly, it now turns out there is a certain amount of animal ‘husbandry’ (an unfortunate term) occurring on this side of the Severn Bridge too – although the sheep do seem to be safe.

A practice called ‘bolving’ has become somewhat popular down here in the West (so not so far from the bridge then). http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-somerset-29681340  It involves attempting to entice stags into some form of intimate activity that I am pretty sure must be border line illegal – certainly if it is only casual and there is no real effort to form a relationship anyway.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it was directed at deer (or dear), but stags for fuck’s sake! Not only is this practice rather degrading (not least to those stags who fall for it) but I imagine it can be quite dangerous.

I mean, I have no idea where the antlers are supposed to go, although I suppose they might come in quite handy as a place to hang your kecks.

I feel that those animal rights’ bods should be targeting this sort of unhealthy activity instead of blowing up cosmetic factories, something which only goes to serve to deny the TOWIE dimwits an even more unrealistic fake tan.

But the spread of bestiality doesn’t stop there I’m sorry to say. A bus driver was recently arrested for having a porn video of a Doris having sex with a tiger! I would have thought that this would render going with a stag to be positively tame. Turns out that it wasn’t really a Bengal but a bloke in a Tony the Tiger suit – http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/bus-driver-cleared-over-tiger-4515983 Apparently the lawyers only spotted this in the video when the tiger said “That’s Grrrrrrreat”

I’m guessing the lawyers were from that well known advocate firm of ‘Wonder, Keller and Charles’.

Seriously you couldn’t make this stuff up. It does seem that my chimp stories are all pretty dull – but that doesn’t mean you’re safe from hearing them (although safer than sheep, stags and blokes who like dressing up as Tigger I guess!)

Beamer of Light

Beamwer

I continue to get a stream of stupid e-mails offering to make me a multi-millionaire, provide me with free dementia kits, consolidate my debts and promising to give me a major boost in the front of the boxer shorts’ department. There are also countless opportunities to get PPI compensation and to get some interesting blue pills – these are heavily discounted apparently so I imagine there is some stiff competition. One lot keep sending me weight loss programmes – bit surprised they don’t just put ‘fat bastard’ in the heading. A different e-mail arrived yesterday which is actually promoting a good cause. Unfortunately it was for a special offer that ran out on 25th October – yesterday was 26th! It promised a night of karma for about $250 which seemed reasonable – although the flight to Denver turns out to be around £650. Just one thought – why the fuck did they think I would be interested in going to a Halloween bash on Friday in Colorado and why send the special deal the day after it ran out?

Amongst all the spam and daft offers however, came a really interesting and exciting communication for me –

—–Original Message—–
From: BMW LOTTERY DEPARTMENT [mailto:info@rouzaut.net]
Sent: 24 October 2014 17:55
Subject: Congratulation you are a lottery winner.

Congratulation you are a lottery winner.

Congratulations,

This is to inform you that you have been selected for a prize of a brand new 2014 Model BMW 7 Series Car and a Check of $500,000.00usd from the international programs held on the 2nd section 2014 in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Contact the below fidicuciary agent with your delivery information.

such as: Your Full Name.

 Your Full Address and Country

 Your direct Phone number

 Occupation.

Contact Name : Paul Lambert

Email: kelvinpeter111@gmail.com

Phone: 304-918-1786

Make sure to provide your winning PIN CODE number (BMW:4661256703/07/13) to him.

Mrs. Helen Blake.

THE DIRECTOR PROMOTIONS

BMW LOTTERY DEPARTMENT

Blimey a car and half a million bucks – and I didn’t even know that BMW had a lottery department – probably right next to the spares’ division and behind the design team desks.

What a result – and because it’s from the States and not West Africa it’s obviously not a scam.

Just a bit surprised that the e-mail address is based in Cameroon – probably a BMW tax thing!

The pic shows me collecting the motor – it hasn’t been photo-shopped or anything – honest!

Awake’s Progress

Most people probably got very excited about the clocks going back last night and felt it was something to be really pleased about – personally I would have thought a lottery win or not getting  toothache would be more fun, but I suppose it takes all sorts (as Bertie Bassett says). I’m not a great sleeper so today’s ‘extra’ hour in bed was not much use to me unfortunately. This isn’t a new thing brought on by age and the need to go for a waz five times a night – although, to be honest, that doesn’t help! I haven’t gotten much sleep since I was a kid – well I suppose if you added it all up it would be a fair bit, but I mean each night – or rather parts of it. It used to bother me when I was younger and various doctors gave me a combination of sleeping pills and tablets that stop your brain working (the latter were pretty redundant and a complete waste of NHS money, obviously). As a teen I came to accept it and would just read or do homework – I guess I would have had more fun playing with myself instead (let’s just say that I didn’t). Harro once told me that I was probably like Thatcher, although I don’t see how, my handbags are much more trendy! I found out after that he meant that I didn’t need that much sleep not that I nicked milk or anything – still, I’ve never fucking forgiven him for that slur! Bastard!

Now I sometimes get up in the middle of the night and write this rubbish – which may well account for why a lot of it doesn’t make much sense, but I worry about disturbing Terry as the PC is in the next room and I’m a bit  loud and ham fisted on the keyboard so I don’t do it often.

A couple of years ago I did some freelance work for Airdy – it would freak out some of the staff to sign on in the morning at the office to find I’d sent them e-mails and stuff at 3 am.

Anyway, as I was wide awake at 4 am this morning, which was really 5 or maybe 3 am – I couldn’t work it out and it didn’t matter much anyway.  Still, with bugger all else to do, I fired up the i-phone and checked out the stats for the blog (being rather considerate, I turned the sound and brightness down as Terry was fast aboze. This was not to show that I’m not a complete twat but because, if she woke up, I’d have to get up and make the tea.

Turns out that this stuff has now been read in 78 countries (I know – WTF?) – luckily it doesn’t give a running total so I was able to waste a few minutes counting them all. There have also been nearly 25,000 visits – which are actually added up for you – otherwise I’d still be adding the bastards up now. I have good mates who can’t make head or bum out of my posts here – so fuck knows what the poor sods in Venezuela, Nepal, Peru and Darussalam find to interest them. Maybe they plan to start a ‘boat race’ team, need advice on how to do a runner or nick a 6 foot model of Ronald McDonald from the gaff in the Haymarket. If so – you are in the right place guys! Although you should be careful if you’re in Saudi and UAE chaps, the blokes there might not find it so funny and you could be missing a few digits or even a paw! Sleep well peeps – which I expect some of you still are!