Bum Notes

Two recent reports have vastly different implications for anyone who’s a bit of a lard arse.



The worrying one for blokes is that if you have a bit too much in the ‘arris department then it could lead to you getting a night in the cells. This could be even more unfortunate (not to mention uncomfortable) if they let you have a shower the next morning!

I can only suggest that Eric stands up next time he goes on the underground (as if!).


In complete contrast, here’s some good news for the Doris’s –


I’ve heard the expression ‘carrying your brains in your arse’ but always thought it was a tad derogatory. Not so, according to scientists at Oxford uni – you are smarter apparently, if your bum is more XXL.

So, if your booty is on the plus side then you should definitely get down to your local pub quiz – as long as there’s a large bench seat spare, obviously. But please try not to make an arse of yourself (like Eric) – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKMTKXvmvd8


Of course it could always be that the Doris scientists at Oxford just have monster buns themselves!

Mind you this news is going to make life for blokes a whole lot easier!

Men never learn how to answer THAT question. Derek realised that impersonations of a heavy vehicle reversing was not the correct answer either.

Men never learn how to answer THAT question. Derek realised that impersonations of a heavy vehicle reversing was not the correct answer either.

Just one post today – we’re off to an ‘oldrugbyblokes’ bbq at Kev B’s and I can’t be arsed (ha ha) to think of anything else to scribble this morning!

Being a bbq of course – it’s raining!


Still Up in the Air

Years ago when I was part of a start- up ad agency we constantly reminded ourselves about the theory of the ‘million pound cup of coffee’.

It’s based on how the value of your company is affected when you sell it and the way expenses can fuck it up. I can’t quite remember how it works but I know we certainly cut down on what we spent on Nescafe, just in case.

Why have I started this nonsense? Well, a couple of days ago I rambled on about how the BBC could protect the 6 Nations if it stopped pissing money away on stupid stuff all the time. You can read it in ‘Up in the Air’ – but only if you can be arsed, obviously.


Now, I know that the BBC isn’t trying to flog itself to a Venture Capitalist, which is a bit of a shame to be frank. They would relish the massive opportunities to cut costs and get some sponsorship (the DFS red sofa? Presenter wardrobe funded by M & S and not the licence fee?). In addition the obvious temptation to dump over–priced and untalented talent, knocking free holidays on the head and getting the Java bill down would have VCs’ queueing round the block at W1A to make an easy killing.


My point is that all the hand wringing about being outbid by Sky and BT for sport coverage is patently not matched by the desire to keep stuff like the 6 Nations.


If they did, they wouldn’t be acting like Sepp Blatter and ignoring the fact that something is wrong in the State of Denmark (or Broadcasting House to be exact).

Try this one out for size from last year –


Not sure how this fits with your stated intent to “rein in expenses”


Exactly how do you justify £500,000 on taxis? Or actually spend that much?

Oh – here’s how – £2,000 a week used to be spent on ‘match of the Day’ taxis for 2 blokes!



Another BBC bloke knocked up a bill of £24k poodling around town.

Even he was outdone by Alan Yentob who managed to run up £25,000 – either the cabbies were taking the piss or the meter was broken and Alan was told “that’ll be a grand from the Beeb to Paddington guv!” Yentob is the creative director – not sure if that means when he fills in his expenses form.

Alan Yentob

Brings a whole new meaning to the delight of the bloke when he tells you “I had that Alan Yentob in here last week – I’m off to Hawaii tomorrow”


I imagine there’s a permanent line of black cabs queueing outside Broadcasting House


Have butchers at this report from 2013 –


Jennifer Saunders also complained about the wastage


I loved this bit –

‘Writing in the BBC’s staff magazine Ariel, Marc Settle said he was quoted a price of £87 for a taxi from Tonbridge to Gatwick on the internal system even though he could have booked a cab from a local firm for £45.A statement from BBC Procurement said central booking charges “may appear to be higher than booking locally and directly” but the BBC had to use firms that are “both legally compliant and vetted” and offered “a 24/7 service”.


I know all this is from a couple of years ago – but hands up all those who think that executives are now getting the bus – or at least a competitive cab quote?  Although watching John Bishop travelling round Australia is obviously a riveting programme that everyone has been dying to see and not just a holiday jaunt for John and the film crew.


Of course I could be wrong – maybe the BBC is now more worried about the 6 Nations and blue ribbon sports – or is it still using the licence for getting pissed, travelling around the world and helping black cabbies buy nice flats in Chelsea?

To be fair, the latest report does confirm that the ‘talent’ cost has been reduced over the last 5 years


It does point out though – ‘However, a significant part of the reduction was down to the BBC making fewer in-house programmes, particularly in entertainment, as well as reducing salaries’

The BBC don’t need a ‘lifer’ at the top – they need someone commercial – a bloke (or Doris) who has run an outfit that actually had to make a profit – and preferably one who likes rugby (although I accept that is not the most important factor on the CV).


Still I suppose we should be grateful that some of the historic practices have been stopped (at least as far as I know) –



You’re probably wondering when I’m going to stop having a go at the BBC. That’s easy – when they stop pissing money away that puts the 6 Nations at risk.


As I said before the biggest problem isn’t at Sky – it’s the enemy within!



I went on a long journey yesterday. It was only meant to be down to get the paper, but then I saw this lorry coming out of Turnip Town and thought it best to follow it, just in case.


Ended up in a 4 mile convoy of tractors and pig trucks going down the M4 at 25 mph – we have really fast tractors down here!


Obviously that’s a joke – the only motorway we have is just one lane – and being Friday it could only be used to go left!

Sorry – I’m still taking the piss – in fact Lell sent me the photo

Football Crazy

Unfortunately the phrase “there’s no eff in Fifa” has yet to come to pass – on any level (which Fifa patently isn’t!)

Everyone’s favourite sporting hero has stated that he wasn’t aware of any corruption in football, despite having been in charge for quite a long time.

FILE - A Monday May 23, 2011 photo from files showing FIFA President Sepp Blatter listenening to a reporter's questions during a press conference in Tokyo. FIFA began investigating its own president Sepp Blatter on Friday in a widening bribery scandal just days before his scheduled election contest with Mohamed bin Hammam. FIFA said Blatter is alleged to have turned a blind eye to bribes being paid, and must submit a statement by Saturday before facing its ethics committee at a hearing on Sunday. (AP Photo/Shizuo Kambayashi, File)

FILE – A Monday May 23, 2011 photo from files showing FIFA President Sepp Blatter listenening to a reporter’s questions during a press conference in Tokyo. FIFA began investigating its own president Sepp Blatter on Friday in a widening bribery scandal just days before his scheduled election contest with Mohamed bin Hammam. FIFA said Blatter is alleged to have turned a blind eye to bribes being paid, and must submit a statement by Saturday before facing its ethics committee at a hearing on Sunday. (AP Photo/Shizuo Kambayashi, File)

I’m reminded of what Cloughie said – “if you’re not interfering with play, you shouldn’t be on the park”.


Strikes me that, if Sepp wasn’t complicit, then maybe he was a tad negligent.

Being somewhat rubbish at spotting systemic levels of corruption for a couple of decades puts him on a par with Eric Pickles not knowing where the nearest ‘eat all you can buffet’ is!


Just to continue the stupid football stories, I saw this one yesterday –


These aquatic birds have apparently predicted that the Villa will triumph at Wembley in the FA cup tomorrow. They are housed in the national Sea Life centre – this is in Birmingham, also home to the Villa, so they may be a trifle biased.


However their record for successful predictions is pretty solid – they foretold that England would have a crap World Cup. Mind you, my cat could have seen that coming, despite having been dead for some years.

I have no idea who Pingu and his mates fancy at Twickenham tomorrow – I’m keeping my fingers crossed for Bath and a victory for some running rugby.


It’s all go today in Turnip Town so just a couple of short posts for Friday.

Rather surprisingly we haven’t been invited to the big event in the next county over from Turnipshire, which is handy since they seem to be even weirder than our lot!



So Des is no longer with us (or them, to be exact) and so they have arranged a funeral for him, for duck’s sake!

A spokesman said “he brought joy and happiness to people of all ages” before putting his shotgun away. Actually he bears a remarkable resemblance to myself!


The notice for the memorial requested no flowers, but asked for donations of pancakes and plum sauce.


By coincidence we spotted 5 baby ducklings on our river this morning before we went shopping – I suggested it might be a tad early to stock up on the hoisin –, Terry didn’t seem to find this trop amusant!

Too soon?

Up in the Air

Whilst Cameron spouts on endlessly about one nation, there is much more concern over the 6 Nations and whether it will remain ‘free to air’ after 2017.


The issue has arisen now because the BBC has just lost coverage of the Open Golf to Sky – something it was quite happy to do apparently because “it didn’t get enough viewers”.


Sky won by offering more dosh of course – which is something of a serious incentive for the R & A, I admit. However, there has also been a lot of criticism about the BBC coverage of golf compared to Sky – not least the camera work that often loses sight of the ball in the air. I would have thought that this was quite important to be honest, although obviously not a concern for the BBC.

I watch the golf, but it is rugby that is my main interest, as the more astute (or awake) of you may have spotted.

Consequently I shell out a hefty lump each month for both Sky and BT – I also watch the BBC during the 6N.

I’m all for keeping the tournament ‘free to air’, but the Beeb argument that it brings the game to those who don’t usually watch it, strikes me as a bit thin. I also feel that the Corporation would have a much stronger case if it improved its coverage, which, by comparison with satellite stations, borders on the amateurish in my view.

The BBC spends much of its time complaining about being beaten on price for sports events,


But it does manage to find funds for other stuff –


A really good use of the licence fee obviously – plus the sensible idea of moving a fucking red sofa around the country for idiots to sit on whilst being interviewed. The sofa was in Liverpool docks this week for fucks sake!


It has external gurus who are paid to ‘manage talent’  – they must have really been helping out on this –



This is just the tip of the iceberg, with a colossal waste of money on ‘talent’, executive pay, pay-offs, wardrobe and travel jollies to make ordinary shows abroad. Can someone please explain to me why ‘Bargain Hunt’ regularly ships off the presenters to Oz? If that isn’t just a free holiday I don’t know what is! And why do they ship endless ‘stars’ around the world to bore us with their pointless travel experiences?


Also – each radio station has a different newsreader reading the same news at the same time – why the fuck isn’t this centralised with just one reader?

The BBC spent 3 times the amount paid by ITV covering the same football World Cup – who the fuck runs its accounts and sourcing departments? It took 272 staff to the World Cup in Brazil!


The BBC charter includes the following – ‘Promoting education and learning’ and ‘Stimulating creativity and cultural excellence’ – which must explain this brilliant new idea for a show –



Using its argument for keeping the 6N, this must be a programme for those who don’t usually watch complete bollox! The BBC programme W1A was supposed to take the piss out of itself – the reality is the Corporation is beyond parody.

This incompetence is widespread – remember the £10 million redundancy payments for staff

it then re-hired? How about the £2 million on ‘leaving parties’ and the £100 million on the fucked up digital media project?


Have a deco at this –


Just a fraction of the money it pisses away would secure the 6N when it comes up for grabs in a couple of years.


The BBC should stop whinging about not being able to afford blue ribbon sports events and start putting its house in order – before this government do!

If the BBC loses the 6 Nations – don’t blame the satellite stations!

Gym Bars

Lell sent me this earlier – latest innovation in exercise equipment –


Looks like this could be a brilliant addition to my health regime.

Wonder if they do a home model? Wouldn’t need to go to the gym at all then!