Making Plans for Nigel

Referees come in for a lot of stick these days – on Friday night the young bloke in charge at Saints sent off Nathan Hughes when he came into contact with George North.

The debate has raged on with vastly differing views depending on whether you are a Saints’ or Wasps’ fan.

My own view (with the benefit of endless replays) is that it is a tough one to call – at best I think it was reckless – and a card of one colour was inevitable.

The ref has a tough job – made even harder by the increasing attempts by players to influence decisions.

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There’s one bloke who doesn’t take any nonsense – Nigel Owens – and it’s little surprise that he is frequently hailed as ‘the best ref in the world’.video-gay-ref-jokes-about-skew-l-404x227

These three clips (courtesy of Rugby Dump – www.rugbydump.com) help to show you why Nigel gets this accolade – silencing the England captain – http://www.rugbydump.com/2015/03/4164/midweek-madness-nigel-owens-puts-chris-robshaw-in-his-place

Then  dealing with Mike Brown and Yoaan Huget – http://www.rugbydump.com/2014/02/3582/friday-funnies-nigel-owens-tells-off-mike-brown-and-yoann-huget

And finally he calls all 30 players in to tell them that he’s not going to stand for any more sodding about – http://www.rugbydump.com/2010/12/1740/referee-nigel-owens-tells-off-30-grown-men

Great stuff Nigel.

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It is also worth a mention for Wayne Barnes – in the Premiership game at Wembley he repeatedly gave 10 yards when players argued – bringing in range a kick at goal on at least one occasion.

Top marks to Nigel and Wayne – and good luck to the guy who looked after the game at Franklin’s Gardens – he’ll get easier games to handle.

Giving a Fuck

Calm down lads – I won’t be going on about ‘Debbie does Dallas’ again – well not for a day or so anyway.

The title of this post refers to the stuff I wrote a few days ago about a new app that takes out all the naughty words from books. Obviously I haven’t downloaded the app as it would have probably crashed this blog, but I imagine it will substitute phrases like ‘we shagged like horny rabbits’ for something more sedate – perhaps ‘our love making was rather spiffing’. It loses a bit in translation I think.

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Since the app was launched there’s been quite a furore by authors who feel that it rather fucks up their prose – http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3015950/Authors-backlash-forces-Christian-couple-remove-ebooks-app-bleeps-naughty-words.html

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It seems that the well- meaning couple from Twin Falls (which was originally named ‘Big Boobs’ before they arrived) have underestimated the interest in their clean up act and it has been removed from the e-book store. Personally I think this whole issue is a lot of round things down your Y fronts.

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On a similar theme a pop star called Nicki Minaj (whose surname could certainly do with the clean app) has defended her use of profanities in her songs. Notice I used ‘profanities’ there to refer to expletives – see I don’t have to fucking swear all the time! http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sophie-deal/swearing-isnt-ladylike-fk-that_b_6955934.html?utm_hp_ref=uk

Nicki thinks this is a sexist attitude as no one complains about male singers like Eminem and Lil Wayne littering their stuff with raunchy (see – I did it again) words. I don’t know how old ‘Lil’ is but maybe his mum should have a word with him about his language.

Anyway, this is a bit boring so let’s try and finish with a happy ending!

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Spin Doctor

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Interesting e-mail arrived yesterday – apparently I have now been given an honorary doctorate and a valuable prize. Not sure if this will now allow me to perform brain surgery or knock out oxys on prescription, but it looks like I have seriously lucked out with this reputable online casino –

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 I e-mailed my bank details and asked them to deposit the grand in my account. Just checked and it hasn’t arrived yet, although the bank did indicate that there has been some suspicious activity – maybe one of my Nigerian mates has sent me my share of several $million. That would be a bit of luck!

Fool House

For the second time this season I managed to guess all the Premiership games correctly. I suppose you could argue that the five home wins were pretty predictable and that Bath away at London Welsh was a banker – nevertheless, you can only play what’s in front of you!

Don’t be fooled into thinking that this augurs well for my score in this week’s Rugby United game – if you are, then you are likely to be mightily disappointed (as I am most weeks).

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Still I’m not going to look a gift horse in the choppers, especially now that my cumulative score has tipped above 75% again – or 75.438% if you want to be pedantic (which is definitely not anything to do with Cyril Smith).

There are 7 teams that are in the mix for the play-off places with only Saints looking like they are nailed in. The last four rounds have some interesting match ups and whilst Sale are in 7th position they have an arguably easier run in than a couple of the sides just above them.

Having said that, I still think that the top 4 will come from these five – Saints, Bath, Saracens, Tigers and Chiefs – not exactly Mystic Meg I admit, since these are currently in the top 5 positions.

There are no Premiership matches over Easter weekend as the quarter finals of the Champions’ Cup are taking place.

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The four English clubs all have very tough away fixtures and I’ll be giving you my expert predictions later in the week. That way you’ll know who to bet on – which is the opposite of my guesses, in case you’re wondering.

The quarter-finals matches are as follows:

(1) Racing Metro 92 v Saracens (8)
(2) RC Toulon v Wasps (7)
(3) ASM Clermont Auvergne v Northampton Saints (6)
(4) Leinster Rugby v Bath Rugby (5)

Good luck to the Premiership sides – I have a feeling they will need it

Communication Skills

In advertising, one of the prime strategies is to choose the right media to get to the key target audience – which is a poncy way of saying you are trying to make sure you tell the people most likely to fall for the guff that you are pushing. The benefit is that you have time to work out who these gullible peeps are.

Social media however, is constantly coming in for a lot of stick because it is so immediate and a lot of people put stuff up in an instant – often instantly regretting their actions. This applies to both word and pictures – and sometimes sounds too.

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There are countless (I know I’ve tried) pictures of blokes and Doris’ in poses and positions (sometimes together) in what can best be described as a bit décolleté – and often without any colleté at all. It has also spawned a new offence (as if it wasn’t already offensive enough) called ‘revenge porn’.

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There was an article today though that has created a brand new wheeze – http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/567175/Cleric-uses-FIVE-pages-of-parish-magazine-to-launch-tirade-heartless-cheating-wife this bloke has published his revenge (sadly without the porn bit) in his local parish magazine!

He managed to fill 5 pages with stuff about his Mrs going off with another bloke. I’m not sure how big the pages are, but I’m guessing he was a tad miffed by the whole episode if his scribble took up so much space

I was wondering who the editor of this rag was and why he hadn’t checked the content of Jim’s ‘kiss and yell’ article. Perhaps they were short of exciting news about the meat raffle, Ludo masterclass or changes to the bus timetable this month and needed to fill the void.

Not so – turns out Jim is a church warden and I’m guessing he’s in charge of getting the thing printed – so doesn’t have to clear it with the College of Cardinals or whoever first.

The church did stop knocking out the magazines after someone read it (several months later probably) and a spokesperson (pretty media savvy this lot) apparently said Jim’s editorial was a trifle inappropriate for the magazine. Maybe he should have sold it to ‘Readers’ Wives’.

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There was no news about whether they planned to ex-communication him (ha ha).

There are photos of Jim and his (soon to be) ex-Mrs in the newspaper article – hard to believe she buggered off isn’t it?

Next time he wants to go into print he might want to try something like this –

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A Sorry State

I’ve decided that you deserve an apology – to be truthful I should probably be apologising for a lot of the nonsense here, but today it is about one specific item.

Last week – think it was Monday, I took the piss out of an outfit for blokes that was featured in the ‘Style’ magazine. It was being knocked out at something around five grand and I suggested that this was a bit over priced – especially as the gear made the bloke look a right knob.

I am ashamed to say that I have now discovered that this ensemble was in fact a right fucking bargain.

In this week’s mag they are promoting two complete vestments for the Doris in your life – both will have you reaching for your credit card. The sole objective being to destroy the bastard before your better half gets a good butchers at the finery being advertised.

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The first comes in at a bargain £10,275 – which, you’ll be pleased to learn, includes the jacket, pants and boots but not any of the jewellery – or indeed a vest if it gets a bit nippy!

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The number 2 trousseau is an even better deal and is way below at £9,655 – again without the jewellery she’s touting.

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Perhaps it is because she is shorter, as you can see from the pics – and there’s not so much material required. There is a catch though – this cost doesn’t include the tights (or indeed knickers). Since the scarf is £175 I would think the hosiery and drawers would shove this lot well over the ten grand mark.

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Sorry guys – this lot has made me look a right mug!

Comedy Shots

Monty Python once said that something like ‘you can be far more effective taking the piss than by trying to argue with stupid people’. I think that’s true – although they also said – “I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women’s clothing and hang around in bars.”

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Still, I do think that lampooning idiot stuff does help to underline your point – and is much more fun than trying to win a straight  argument with a bunch of twats.

So – spend a little time enjoying this really good Australian stand-up comedian on a tour in the US – talking about gun control (or the lack of it) – http://m.dailykos.com/story/2015/03/25/1373205/-Australian-comedian-tries-to-make-sense-of-American-gun-laws-nailed-it

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It’s longer than most of the clips I put up – but I promise you won’t regret watching!

Go Aussie (except at the Rugby World Cup, obviously).

Before we get too smug though – it was reported this morning that the bloke in charge of the BBC received death threats for sacking a bleeding TV presenter! Seriously?