As it’s the end of the week I thought I’d ramble meaninglessly on about a few unrelated news items from this week – not much change there then!
First up is a new scientific development that I have already put my name down for – http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/fullbody-transplants-will-be-possible-within-two-years-says-controversial-surgeon-sergio-canavero-10071112.html?utm_source=indynewsletter&utm_medium=email26022015
Is that brilliant or what?
They’ll be able to stick my head on a brand new body if I can hang about for another couple of years.
I know you probably think this is a load of bollocks but they’ve already done it with a monkey apparently. I’m not sure if King Kong is all that chuffed with having four legs now – but the surgeon was a bit pissed and thought the clipboard said donkey (or maybe Donkey Kong)
Anyway, I can now stuff junk food and beer down my pasty hole for some time in the safe knowledge that I’ll then be able to swap the old blubber for something more ripped. And the gym is definitely right out, I can tell you.
I’ll make sure that the bloke doing my job is relatively compos mentis, or at least only partially trollied when he gets me on the trolley! I wouldn’t want to get swapped with Eric Pickles in error – or indeed Eric Stonestreet – the porky gay bloke in Modern Family!
Although I’d at least be better looking!
Clapton would be pretty cool though – I’ll stop this now – sorry, but I couldn’t get the image of Pickles with my swede on top, out of my head (sic) or maybe (eric)
You probably think I’m nuts signing up for this transplant – but compared to the blokes and Doris’ who’ve signed up for a bleeding one way ticket to Mars I’m up there with Stephen Hawking!
Next up, I recently mentioned going in for the ‘Try of the Week’ comp to win a new watch to replace my Casio. Turns out, my choice of timepiece is actually getting quite popular. There’s some bloke called Ezra singing about it – which is a stupid subject for a song unless he’s getting bunged for a watch jingle. All I’d like to say is, that it’s a really shit and very annoying song that sticks in your fucking head all day – thanks a bunch George! Please stop the aggravating repetition of Casi fucking O!
Another story is from South Korea, where they are getting stuck into a bit of extra marital now that adultery has been legalised – http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/feb/26/condom-makers-shares-surge-after-south-korea-legalises-adultery
Up to now you couldn’t pop down the local dogging site with your secretary, without risking a couple of years in the pokey (which is apposite, although somewhat ironic). Last year almost 900 peeps were given stiff (ha ha) sentences for coveting their neighbours arse.
In light of the new ruling, the locals are obviously right up for it and condom sales have exploded (although hopefully not literally)
Finally, although he won’t talk to the BBC, Lord Simon Green continues to pester me –
From: Simon Green [mailto:simon.green@agepartner
Sent: 26 February 2015 09:50
Subject: MrShute, I have reviewed your pension-income enquiry
I haven’t included the rest of the e-mail – the content is much the same as the last 3 he sent me.
Am beginning to suspect that it is not that Simon Green – you know the former bloke who was in charge at HSBC, although he claims he didn’t know about any of the naughty goings on apparently.
Which reminds me of what Brian Clough (or Bill Shankly) once said “if he’s not interfering with play he shouldn’t be on the pitch”
Anyway, if it is Lord Green chasing me he’d surely have hinted about setting me up with an account in Zurich and turning me into a company based in Panama wouldn’t he?
Obviously there wouldn’t be anything unusual about that – I mean we all do it, don’t we your Lordship?
Where do I get all the inspiration for this rubbish? This might explain a lot –