Radio Daze

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It’s the big one tomorrow – not the Mickey Mouse stuff at Wembley, but Ireland v England at the Aviva – still you know that don’t you?

The reason for mentioning it, is that Rich, who runs the Rugby United web site, is going to do a ‘live’ commentary on the game for Rugby Radio (http://www.rugbyradio.co/)

I imagine they might need a 3 second delay to bleep out any expletives.

They’d need a much longer pause if I did it, obviously – especially if Ireland score!

Suggest you tune in and then turn down the commentary on the box – Rich has got to be loads funnier than Bert and Ernie on the BBC.22ca50731affdd3ae9c5fb3530cbd65e8b

Think Rich is starting to blag about half hour before it starts – so turnip pasties and Vimto at the ready guys! Whilst waiting you might just have time to watch the first bit of ‘Debbie does Dallas’ the sequel before the kick-off, accompanied by Rich’s preamble. Best not to though – you will probably forget to switch over to the game (like me)!

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The 100 Club

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been regularly checking the stats for this nonsense.

You see, it has been enjoyed (okay – read, or at least visited in error) in 99 countries since I first started scribbling and I was keen to get to the magic ton (or ‘tonne’ if you’re reading this in Cyprus – or ‘ton up’ if you’re perusing it on a Harley in Cuba).

I noticed that Slovakia had a butchers yesterday and thought that might get me there – but on checking it seems that they are something of vociferous devourers of this junk, having been more times than I’ve seen ‘Debbie does Dallas’ (obviously too many to count)debbiedoesdallas

Anyway, some other place has now pitched up and I have indeed reached 100 points on the planet!

I’m not sure who was number 100 – not that it matters. I had planned to give a prize for the 100th customer (or whatever you call readers) in order to promote the site. Luckily now I don’t have to bother – which is just as well as I had in mind a ‘Chunky’ raffle (see earlier posts – search ‘Chunky’).

Since Syria and Iraq are fans I’m not sure I’d have got away with that!

So, 100 down and just 96 to go until I achieve absolute world domination.

The number of visits tops 31,000 and you have to ask yourself – what the fuck is the matter with these people? They could be watching hilarious llama videos or checking out the colours on a bleeding toga! Much more fun!

Viral Infection

I thought that it couldn’t get any more stupid than the Lucy Beale nonsense and how big the arse is on that Karshadian Doris.

But yesterday the intertwats surpassed themselves – big time!

A fucking dress colour and two jogging llamas – seriously?150227_BB_LlamaDress.jpg.CROP.original-original

Airdy used to say that 97% of people were complete twats – he really needs to consider upping that figure a bit!

Child abuse, HSBC, the 6 Nations – all relegated for a couple of quadrupeds and a smock. It couldn’t have been less interesting if the fucking alpacas had been shagging – or shackled together in the frock during their soiree. Being tied to someone with an article of clothing is in fact a recognised and legitimate bar game for rugby blokes. I described one of these in my post on the tour to the Isle of Man where Farrelly and I were joined inside a jumper. I left it there obviously as it would only have fitted Eric Pickles after that.

Come on people – lets have more interesting stuff going viral – where to download ‘Debbie does Dallas’ for instance or, not to be a misogynist – ‘How to iron the old man’s shirt properly’.

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Be interesting to see if Terry leaves that last bit in when she edits this rubbish!

Some Super S15

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My thanks once again to the ‘Rugby Dump’ site – they’ve just posted a wrap for February week 2 showing some of the best action from the Super 15 – plus a bit of 7s. – http://www.rugbydump.com/2015/02/4109/rugby-hq-plays-of-the-month-for-february-plus-the-wraparound-week-2

There are some seriously good tries and a few monster hits – including a couple from the Women’s 7s. You wouldn’t want to upset some of those Doris’ I can tell you.

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It’s worth a punt round their site – lots of good videos from around the planet and lots of other top stuff.

If I keep up this brownnosing they might give me a mention (unlikely, obviously)

Some Friday Stuff and Nonsense

As it’s the end of the week I thought I’d ramble meaninglessly on about a few unrelated news items from this week – not much change there then!

First up is a new scientific development that I have already put my name down for – http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/fullbody-transplants-will-be-possible-within-two-years-says-controversial-surgeon-sergio-canavero-10071112.html?utm_source=indynewsletter&utm_medium=email26022015

Is that brilliant or what?

They’ll be able to stick my head on a brand new body if I can hang about for another couple of years.

I know you probably think this is a load of bollocks but they’ve already done it with a monkey apparently. I’m not sure if King Kong is all that chuffed with having four legs now – but the surgeon was a bit pissed and thought the clipboard said donkey (or maybe Donkey Kong)

Anyway, I can now stuff junk food and beer down my pasty hole for some time in the safe knowledge that I’ll then be able to swap the old blubber for something more ripped. And the gym is definitely right out, I can tell you.

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I’ll make sure that the bloke doing my job is relatively compos mentis, or at least only partially trollied when he gets me on the trolley! I wouldn’t want to get swapped with Eric Pickles in error – or indeed Eric Stonestreet – the porky gay bloke in Modern Family!

Although I’d at least be better looking!

Clapton would be pretty cool though – I’ll stop this now – sorry, but I couldn’t get the image of Pickles with my swede on top, out of my head (sic) or maybe (eric)

You probably think I’m nuts signing up for this transplant – but compared to the blokes and Doris’ who’ve signed up for a bleeding one way ticket to Mars I’m up there with Stephen Hawking!

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Next up, I recently mentioned going in for the ‘Try of the Week’ comp to win a new watch to replace my Casio. Turns out, my choice of timepiece is actually getting quite popular. There’s some bloke called Ezra singing about it – which is a stupid subject for a song unless he’s getting bunged for a watch jingle.  All I’d like to say is, that it’s a really shit and very annoying song that sticks in your fucking head all day – thanks a bunch George! Please stop the aggravating repetition of Casi fucking O!

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Another story is from South Korea, where they are getting stuck into a bit of extra marital now that adultery has been legalised – http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/feb/26/condom-makers-shares-surge-after-south-korea-legalises-adultery

Up to now you couldn’t pop down the local dogging site with your secretary, without risking a couple of years in the pokey (which is apposite, although somewhat ironic). Last year almost 900 peeps were given stiff (ha ha) sentences for coveting their neighbours arse.

In light of the new ruling, the locals are obviously right up for it and condom sales have exploded (although hopefully not literally)

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Finally, although he won’t talk to the BBC, Lord Simon Green continues to pester me –

From: Simon Green [mailto:simon.green@agepartner
Sent: 26 February 2015 09:50
To: davidshute@lineone.net
Subject: MrShute, I have reviewed your pension-income enquiry

I haven’t included the rest of the e-mail – the content is much the same as the last 3 he sent me.

Am beginning to suspect that it is not that Simon Green – you know the former bloke who was in charge at HSBC, although he claims he didn’t know about any of the naughty goings on apparently.

Which reminds me of what Brian Clough (or Bill Shankly) once said “if he’s not interfering with play he shouldn’t be on the pitch”

Anyway, if it is Lord Green chasing me he’d surely have hinted about setting me up with an account in Zurich and turning me into a company based in Panama wouldn’t he?

Obviously there wouldn’t be anything unusual about that – I mean we all do it, don’t we your Lordship?

Where do I get all the inspiration for this rubbish? This might explain a lot – chimp_james

 

 

Reality Bites

You may have noticed that I have professed several times not to be much of a fan of reality TV.

I think I am about to change my mind – Andy Warhol famously said that every bastard will be famous for a bit. I’m not sure that was his exact words but it was something like that.

The point is my fifteen minutes of fame has just beckoned! Actually it is even better than that – will be 90 mins, although I’d have to share it with Terry apparently – still 45 is pretty good!

This arrived in the post yesterday

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and I have obviously responded in the affirmative! We are soooo excited that we spent the last 24 hours perfecting our menu –

Appetizer: Turnip Roulade with Marmite breadsticks flambéed in sweet cabbage water – accompanied by just a soupcon of Vimto

Soup: Essence of turnip with swede foam – served with lashings of Cote de Villages Idiot

Salad: Spicy radish and parsnip duo with kohlrabi slaw (don’t want to overdo the turnips)

Amuse bouche: Crème fraiche turnip sorbet

Entrée: A sumptuous roast turnip pasty and sauté au gratin chips (obviously) – perfectly complemented by my home-made red turnip wine (February 2015)

Dessert: Baked Alaska with turnip ice cream – washed down with a sweet parsnip dessert wine

Variety of local cheeses (including a Blue Turnipshire and a rare Tractor Raclette) served with a turnip and pork scratching chutney

Coffee and wild turnip truffles

I think that should see us home safely!

If our opponents don’t like turnips (unlikely) it’s just bad luck – actually, with my cooking skills, it’s bad luck if they do like turnips!

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Terry made me cover up our address on the invitation letter as she doesn’t want us bothered with press attention and bastard autograph hunters (again, not her exact words)

I, on the other hand, am only too pleased to give quotes and watch fans fawn over my every utterance (however banal) – so we actually live at

 

Puddleduck Cottage,

Dingly Dell,

By the bottom of the Magic Oak Tree,

Turnipville

D0 PEY1 

Bring lots of presents!

Seriously, the ‘Puddleduck Cottage’ is real – fortunately the previous owners took the name with them – thank fuck!

Perilous Predictions

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I got away with it last week when I forecast 5 away wins in the Premiership.

I may not be so lucky this weekend – it’s the 6 Nations again and some teams will feel the absence of key players more than others (bit of a truism I know).

So here’s what I think –

Saints to beat Harlequins

London Welsh to lose (yet again) this time to London Irish

Tigers to lose at Welford Rd with visit of Sharks

Saracens to stifle Falcons

Chiefs just hold out against battling Bath

Wasps knock over Gloucester at Ricoh

Just the two away wins for me – but some of the home sides may well struggle to contain visitors and I could have a bad week come Sunday. Just hoping that England don’t suffer the same!

My international guesses are wins for Scotland, France and England – but as long as I get the last one right I really couldn’t give a stuff about any of the above predictions for this week!