I must be even more stupid than I look – hard to believe I know.
Yesterday at half-time I had to put the record button on and go and collect Terry from a (very) long lunch with her friends (both male!) – I wasn’t invited, obviously. Frank & Simon are her mates from the OU – they all got their degrees some 20 odd years ago & I sometimes wonder if they are still really having a ‘study period’ when they get together!
Anyway, I got back and started watching, only to stupidly look at phone where Harro had told me about the second tries for both teams. Instantly texted him back to politely explain that he should ‘shut the fuck up for 40 minutes’. He did, surprisingly, but then informed me about the taffs winning just as I was about to watch the recording of the game at the Millennium. Okay – so I was partly to blame but you have to admit it’s bleeding dangerous having Harro as a mate (not least when he decides to munch some glass).
Despite Harro’s attempts, I really enjoyed the match particularly seeing the England 8 destroy the Aussie pack much more convincingly than France, Ireland and Wales had managed. Okay – so we played mostly to a 10 man game plan, but that’s okay when your forwards are that dominant and the half backs kick as well as they did yesterday. I thought Courtney Lawes was immense, playing like an extra back row and pushing Big Ben all the way for Man of the Match. To be honest, if we are still stuck for a strong number 12 next year we could do a lot worse than hand the shirt to Courtney.
Everyone’s concern, obviously, remains with the lack of creativity outside 10 and it’s hard to believe that we can go all the way (or even to quarter finals) without a real cutting edge. Still it was a great win and let’s hope Manu is back for the 6 Nations.
A good win and we can go into the New Year with a lot more confidence than we had 7 days ago. Fingers crossed everyone.
Am about to send an e-mail to Twickenham just in case they don’t read this helpful advice and are desperate for my input!
Short post today – Terry wants all the leaves picked up in the garden (oh joy) – probably one by bleeding one so as not to damage the bastard grass! For some reason she didn’t like my idea to cut down all the fucking trees. Still you know best dear!
There I was thinking that it was impossible to find a research study that was even more stupid than some of those I’ve described here in the past and blow me (please) I’ve just come across another cracker from the States! More blokes in white coats have found a way to spend time doing research in a pub. Hold on, maybe they are not so daft after all. Were they seeing how many cocktails it takes to get laid? Or if throwing bitter is stickier and cheaper than bitter lemon? Perhaps it was a new way to measure the exact time in a boat race or if Edinburgh Crystal is tastier than an Ikea chandelier (it’s not by the way). Of course they could just have been playing hooky and getting stuck into a round of ‘top shelf’. All of these are in fact legitimate pub pastimes and the rules and ‘how to play’ has been well documented here in earlier posts.
But they weren’t doing any of these quite fun things – No; they wanted to see which drink is less likely to spill when you toddle back from getting your round in – http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/11253612/Long-walk-from-the-bar-Buy-a-Guinness-scientists-say.html
There are several points to be made on this apart from the obvious one that it was a fucking waste of good drinking time –
- They took no account of how pissed the bloke was who got the round in
- Was a tray involved? – if not, how do you carry the turnip scratching’s and pasty flavoured crisps?
- What was the IQ of the idiot who ended up holding the whip money?
- Why the fuck would you be buying coffee in a bar?
- If you’re doing a runner the amount of spillage is obviously far less important than the amount of cash retained in the process of legging it.
- Using a high speed camera to measure movement is moronic if you are doing a runner unless you are wearing a ski or blagger mask (these are not ideal if you are out on a sesh as they get wet and smelly)
- If you are in fact, clever enough to be a scientist at Princeton – why the fuck are you doing stuff that makes the twats in ‘TOWIE’ look like they might be smart enough to get a place at your Uni gaff? (some bleeding hope)
- Finally, why in god’s name would you do this in a lab when it would have been far easier and more fun to do it in a real bar (preferably one with pork pasties, pork scratching’s and a few porky Doris’ who are up for a good porking)
- Please tell me you are taking the piss and that you made it all up at the end of a good night whilst you were actually out on the piss!
Here’s a thought, next time you have an idea like this – go for a few beers instead and look for a bar like the one described in number 8 above!
Anyone daft or bored enough to come here very often might have noticed that I didn’t give the results of my predictions in the premiership for last weekend. There’s a good reason for that – I was absolute crap – in a two horse race I’d have been bloody lucky to come second. I managed to get only 3 out of the 6 games right and one of those was Leicester against London Welsh, which wasn’t that tough a call and probably shouldn’t count anyway.
I thought Quins and Saracens would win at home and Gloucester would triumph on the road – none of them lived up to my expectations, but then I’m used to disappointment these days! So a pathetic 50% for R8 and a miserable cumulative drop to below 70% for the first time this season. For any reality TV twats reading this, cumulative is not a type of cloud! Okay – so I know not many of them can read and that they are likely to have fuck all meteorological knowledge anyway, but it’s not easy filling up this space you know!
My predictions for this weekend are –
Bath to beat Quins tonight
Tigers to scrape past Wasps
Chiefs to take Saracens
Irish to lose to Gloucester
Welsh to be pasted by Saints
Falcons to lose at home to the Sharks
That’s 3 home and 3 away predictions, which will hopefully push my running total back over the 70% mark.
But don’t bet your house on it – not even a Wendy one! You might risk a house plant, but I doubt Ladbrokes would take it as collateral. Alright I’ll stop padding this now – it’s probably too long as it is (something Terry has never said). That’s it – promise, you can go back to watching porn now.
There are a few good rugby videos going around at the moment, thought I’d share them with you.
This first one is a good example of time lapse filming – it’ll be of interest to the Irish, but not Aussies – http://www.joe.ie/sport/video-this-timelapse-video-of-ireland-beating-australia-will-give-you-shivers/476877
Next is a short film of Sam Burgess making his debut and an impact for GB when he was 18. Think Mike Ford might have to encourage Sam to use his arms a bit more in the tackle! – http://www1.skysports.com/rugby-union/news/11069/9581983
Here are some of the bigger hits from last weekend – http://www.joe.ie/sport/video-the-biggest-rugby-hits-of-the-week-are-here-and-unsurprisingly-paul-oconnell-makes-the-list/476495
A couple of clips from wheelchair rugby – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9wVRmEu6WI these guys don’t fuck about when they play – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYQx1W9axlY no wonder that call it Murderball!
And finally, a heart-warming story of beautiful girl who has found strength playing Murderball. Don’t tell me she doesn’t deserve to be called a Golden Girl!
Nice joke arrived from Jimmy – although by 2040 I won’t actually give a fuck (literally and figuratively) – and probably much sooner than that as it happens (or rather doesn’t)
From: James Russell [mailto:jamesrussell@
Sent: 27 November 2014 14:26
What’s all this about???
Basil Fawlty: “Can’t we get you on Mastermind, Sybil? Next contestant: Mrs. Sybil Fawlty from Torquay. Specialist subject – the bleeding obvious”.
This is one of my favourite quotes from Fawlty Towers and can be used in an increasing number of situations including just about every reality TV programme whenever one of the huge twats opens their stupid mouth.
It can also be applied to a new study from the ‘What Works Network’ – seriously I haven’t made that name up! They have just released their first report
There is some absolutely exceptional insight stuff in here – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-30197737.
Apparently, ‘Providing drug users with clean needles reduces risks of infection.’ Fuck me – what a stonking thought – can’t believe no one came up with it before! It’s right up there with pointing out that throwing petrol on the fire is not all that clever and that it’s probably not that smart an idea to drive with your eyes shut (those in TOWIE please ignore this particular bit of advice). But there are some other crackers that show that there was absolutely no money wasted on this research – how about ‘Police need to target crime “hot spots” to effectively reduce offences’. I hope they send a copy to the Old Bill – who have obviously been wasting their time shoving all their plods into trying to resolve who nicked the scones from ‘The Nell Gwynn’ tea rooms in Stratford upon Avon rather than checking out drug deals in Moss Side and the other Stratford (the one in East London).
Another ‘mastermind’ finding is that ‘children and young people should not routinely be given drugs for insomnia’. It doesn’t say what they should get – maybe the second report will indicate a good slug of Johnny Walker Black label or a gallon of Speckled Hen is pretty effective.
But the best one is in the headline of this article – ‘Sports events give no economic boost’. I have to say this came as a bit of a shock to me I can tell you. Maybe the researchers discovered that all those peeps that pitched up for the 2012 Olympics stayed in gaffs where they used fake credit cards, did runners from every curry cabin and shop lifted everything else. There I was, thinking that thousands of overseas visitors might just have brought a few bob with them – but apparently not – maybe they were all NHS tourists and the lucre they sloshed about was offset by knee and brain transplants or having their ears permed in A & E. Otherwise I imagine there might have been a slight boost to the amount of dosh that shops, overnight gaffs and ruby houses took during the event. Still, as Basil is also fond of saying “You know best dear!”
I guess the RFU and IRB are going to be a bit miffed too with the World Cup coming up next year. Who would have thought that all the spondullicks that will be doled out on tickets, throwing bitter and pasties won’t actually boost anyone’s business. I wonder where the fuck all the cash goes – can’t all be nobbled by bankers and for MP’s expenses surely?
Perhaps I should drop a line to the ‘What Works’ lot to ask for their valuable input – if nothing else their reply should be good for a right laugh! And that is bleeding obvious!
Despite my previous job I tend not to do ads any more, but thought this might be of interest.
Jimmy dropped me an e-mail last week with details about his daughter’s new business. Claire did some work experience with us at KWS. No wonder she didn’t go into advertising!
From: James Russell [mailto:jamesrussell@
Sent: November 2014 13:18
To: My Daughter Claire has started a business which sets out to recycle and up-cycle materials into beautiful and useful items.
Ruby Lou’s Recreation is the name and you can find her on Facebook.
Creating unique soft furnishings through recycling and up-cycling pre-loved clothing and material. Pre-designed or bespoke products all hand crafted.
Ever wondered what to do with that stained dress you love the material of, but can no-longer wear? or wondered what to do with all your old gig/college/sports club/event T-shirts? or those precious baby clothes you just can’t bear to part with?
Wonder no more…………………………………..
Here at Ruby Lou’s we design and create one off cushions, quilts and bunting using pre-loved clothing and material.
Pre-designed or bespoke products available.
Bespoke products can be made using material you provide or simply to your design.
All cushions are zipped and fully lined.
All material is washed prior to use.
Lovely girl (Claire not Jimmy, obviously) and some very nice stuff – definitely worth a look for Christmas. If you’re reading this in Micronesia and want something for Christmas you’d better contact Claire quick – the post office here is rammed!