Carol Service

 

A few days ago I think I made a serious error by taking the piss out of numerology

I just received this e-mail from a Doris who I suspect didn’t quite understand my sense of humour –

Hi David,

I have been trying to talk to you for several days regarding some of the upcoming events.

Something very big is about to happen in your life, David, very soon. It is incredible David, these are the only words that come to me!

Allow me to examine your past, current & future so I will help you to find your way to happiness.

Get your life path today

Wishing you a great day,
Carol Stewart

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Click here

This offer is sent via:
FLOW MEDIA LTD.
103 Sham Peng Tong Plaza,
Victoria Mahe, Seychelles

My number must have come up – with a bit of luck it will be 69

Safe Sex

Somewhat surprisingly a new study has just been published that actually might be quite useful.

Or at least it would be if it was accurate –

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/study-reveals-the-most-dangerous-sex-position-9992841.html

I would think we’d all like to know exactly what the most dangerous sex position is – so that we can either avoid it like fuck (ha ha) or try the old auto-erotic jobbie and see if it does give one a bit of a boost in the Y front department.

Imagine my disappointment when I read that the most dangerous position is supposedly the ‘woman on top’ number.

Personally I feel that this ranks well down the list – what about ‘her old man coming home unexpectedly’, ‘reverse cow girl while he lays on the back of a brahma bull’ and ‘thinking you’d locked the stationary cupboard door’ – not to mention ‘doing the wheelbarrow past her Mum’s house’.

Seriously – you have to wonder if these scientists have actually ever seen a copy of ‘Debbie does Dallas’.

 

 

 

 

Blood Count

A few months ago I mentioned that the Askeans RFC were supporting the ‘Delete Blood Cancer’ charity – a cause that Terry & I know well!).

A special game was arranged and was successful in generating more than £500 and more importantly 34 people registering to be blood stem cell donors.

Congratulations to Claire, Andrew and all those involved.

Proper Job!

 

 

 

 

 

Well Named

Big Game 8 at Twickenham yesterday turned out to be very well tagged.

Harlequins and Gloucester served up a 10 try extravaganza that ended in a very unlikely 39-39 draw.

CXQIKQhWYAAh-QU

Quins appeared full of the Christmas spirit and decided to share out a generous helping of interceptions, unforced errors and aimless kicking in a seasonal effort to keep the crowd entertained. Gloucester, for their part, took full advantage of every dropped or looped pass to also ensure the 70,000 well-fuelled spectators got full value for their money. ‘Proper job’ as we say in Turnip Town.

I had Quins down for a win but was happy in the end to settle for a half point towards my predictions total.

The only other blot on this week’s guesses was London Irish getting their first points of the season by turning over Saints at the Madejski in the first of the Boxing Day matches. Just fewer than 10,000 saw Irish move off the bottom of the table for the first time.

In the end I managed to get 4.5 out of 6 results – a 75% score for round 7.

I would let you know what this has done for my cumulative score but 1) I can’t be arsed to look up how I was doing after R6 and 2) you probably care less about this than even I do!

I might bother to check later in the week when I have moved the house 6 inches to the left – another thing on the Dragon’s list of immensely important jobs that need to be done by the end of the year. Oh joy!

 

Farrelly and Away

Jan and Farrelly dropped in for lunch earlier – or just before lunchtime to be strictly accurate.

They were on their way for the ‘Fiveskins’ New Year’s bash – an annual event (well, it would be wouldn’t it) that they tend to have around this time each year for some odd reason I can’t quite fathom.

It’s a pretty serious event that lasts a week and involves a load of old blokes and (less old) Doris’ celebrating the arrival of the New Year a number of days and nights before it actually gets here – by which time they will have forgotten what they were doing there in the first place. It is always in a different venue each year – no prizes for guessing why they can’t go back anywhere a second time.

As always the Farrelly’s pitched up loaded with gifts – these included, in order of importance, turnips, pasties, smelly stuff (not the turnips) for Terry, an England T-shirt and Dan Carter (not actually him obviously – but his book). The only disappointment being that the turnips were outside the pasties – a schoolboy error I will be correcting when I fire up the microwave.

Naturally, I will have to check if there are any Welsh or Aussie supporters around before I put the T-shirt on! Tony perceptively purchased the ‘Fat Bastard’ size for me – worried that the XXL might be a little tight. He knows me so well – unfortunately, for both of us I expect.

Right – just off to nuke a pasty and turnip surprise (the surprise being if it turns out to be edible).

 

 

 

 

Your Number’s Up!

I think it must have been a very slow news day yesterday.

I accept that not much happens on the 25th and newspapers are struggling to find stuff to fill the pages for Boxing Day – but –seriously?

The front pages informed us that the Queen got in the festive spirit by wearing a red coat to Church – and in case we thought they might be fibbing, they included a big photo.

We also found out that Andy Murray is really a right wag – his Mum tweeted a pic of him in a ‘hilarious’ Christmas jumper – the papers found this such a hoot that we were also treated to the photo – oh how I laughed at his jolly jape.

The demise of Downton Abbey (a fictional TV show about posh people) also made headline front page news and apparently the Beatles songs are now being streamed – whatever the fuck that is.

Talking of streaming, the poor sods in Cumbria did get the odd mention, although less coverage than the supposed outrageous suggestion that ‘Strictly’ is fixed.

One paper did however get priorities right and I was mesmerised to learn that there is something called ‘numerology’ that can help me (well, all of us, I think) plan our ‘Life Path’.

This staggering revelation was in the Daily Mail –

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3374353/The-numbers-add-DESTINY-s-ancient-art-telling-fortune-numbers-hidden-birth-date-tantalising-series-numerology-expert-reveals-unlock-life-s-future-course.html

Obviously I wouldn’t ever fork out for this tabloid drivel, but the brilliant insight into numerology was in the online edition – i.e. free to a cheapskate like me.

Numerology is –

any belief in the divine, mystical relationship between a number and one or more coinciding events. It is often associated with the paranormal, alongside astrology and similar divinatory arts

In order to explain this rather technical description I thought it might help to put it into layman’s terms – this is complete bollocks.

According to numerology experts (ha ha), your destiny number is hidden in your name and can be determined by a mathematical formula, depending on the number of letters in your epithet.

I worked mine out and it seems that if my old man and lady had called me Tarquin instead of David (e.g. 7 letters instead of 5) my life path would have been very different. This may well be right – for a start I’d have had the piss taken out of me even more with that sort of tag in front. However I also get a different life path if I used Dave instead of David to divine my destiny number.

This is because, according to numerologists ‘each name gives of a different energy vibration’

You just have to read this whole article, it’s fucking hilarious – even better than Tom Sharpe’s ‘Riotous Assembly (a genuine laugh out loud book – don’t read it on the train or bus – those around you will think you’re a nutter).

One final thought on this nonsense –

Sceptics argue that numbers have no occult significance and cannot by themselves influence a person’s life. Sceptics therefore regard numerology as a superstition and a pseudoscience that uses numbers to give the subject a veneer of scientific authority. Two studies have been done investigating numerological claims, both producing negative results. One in the UK in 1993 and one in 2012 in Israel. The experiment in Israel involved a professional numerologist and 200 participants. The experiment was repeated twice and still produced negative results.

I wouldn’t have wasted my time doing a study frankly – anyone with an IQ bigger than their hat size knows that this stuff is complete garbage.

Mind you the Doris in the article makes a really good living out of knocking out this stuff – she is, I understand –

a Western Pythagorean Numerologist and Certified Law of Attraction Practitioner.

Apparently you can’t qualify in less than 3 weeks, or for less than about a grand! So right up there with being a neurosurgeon then!

You couldn’t make it up – although they obviously all can!