Saturday Stuff

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I’ve found just a few rugby bits and pieces for today.

This link is for a list of the top points scorers in international rugby in 2014, but before you look write down who you think makes the list – http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2flvxm_top-5-who-topped-the-points-scoring-charts-in-2014-these-five-show-you-how-it-s-done_sport I only managed to get one! Here’s a clue – you’ll need to be a good speller to get several of them!

With the 6 Nations kicking off on Friday you’ve only got a few days to get your entry in for the Fantasy games.

There are three that I know of and I think they are all free to enter –

https://www.superbru.com/sixnationsfantasy/pool.php?folder=sixnationsfantasy&p=11312699

http://www.testrugby.com/Fantasy-Rugby-Home/6387/

And http://espnscrum.fantasyleague.com/

There’s also some good swag available for the winners!

Here’s another link – an old one but still worth seeing again – Nigel Owens, not just the best ref on the planet but also the funniest! http://www.rugbydump.com/2014/10/3932/friday-funnies-nigel-owens-is-straighter-than-this-lineout-throw

Finally, apparently some people have noticed that I am a bit liberal with expletives in this blog – I’d like to add the following apology for anyone who has been offended –

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Drink Up!

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Some great news for rugby players in the news this week – drinking beer can help ward off dementia – http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2931944/The-perfect-excuse-pint-Regular-beer-drinking-help-ward-Alzheimer-s-Parkinsons-say-scientists.html I’ve been the first to take the piss (no pun intended) about some of the scientific ‘discoveries that we keep reading about but I’m inclined (as I often was on a session) to go along with this one.

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Dr Fang at Langhzou Uni in China tested this theory on rats and the little bastards told him that they could remember loads of biffo things as far back as the day before yesterday – despite the fact that they were trollied at the time. Beer contains an ingredient called Xn apparently and that’s what works – a sort of Xn factor I guess.

What I can’t understand is that I keep forgetting all sorts of stuff, even though I’ve spent a lifetime trying to drink my own weight in Fuller’s every other day.

Oh – just read the last bit – only needs half a pint a day. That explains it I suppose – but what’s the pint (sic) in that? To be honest after a decent binge I’m probably better off not remembering what the fuck went on anyway!

The Sax Tapes

'Will he be right for Saturday, Doc?'

It would be a bit of a surprise if Stuart Lancaster and the rest of the coaching team aren’t in Cork tonight to watch the Saxons play. If not, they will certainly be analysing the tapes over the weekend.

If the media reports are to be believed, England’s senior squad only have two centres who can walk without a zimmer frame at the moment. So it seems inevitable that at least a couple of blokes in the Saxons are likely to get called into the squad for the start of the 6 Nations that starts a week today.

Whilst the focus will inevitably on seeing how Big Sam goes against the British Lions pairing in the Wolfhounds midfield I suspect that at least as much attention will be paid to the Chiefs young tyro Henry Slade.

Currently being talked of as a longer term prospect, his performances in the Premiership this season must have been noted by Lancaster and the existing injury problems in the centre may well have brought him into the reckoning now. Slade will be wearing number 10 tonight which just goes to show his versatility. I wouldn’t be surprised if both Henry and Sam are at Pennyhill Park rather than with their clubs in the West Country on Monday – assuming they don’t get injured of course!

Joe Schmidt will also be watching the game tonight, the Wolfhounds will field a number of international (and Lions) players and he will definitely want a look at the abrasive Sean O’Brien now that his injury problems are over. It’s hard not to make Ireland favourites for the 6 Nations – especially after the autumn and with France and England travelling to Dublin.

It should be a  hell of a game tonight (live on Sky Sports 2) – both coaching teams will have fingers crossed – particularly the ones wearing a rose.

The Invention of Lying

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

The media debates about the election debates (bit like talks about talks in the Middle East) has reached a farcical stage where it is now being suggested that as many as 337 blokes (and the odd Doris’) will be invited to scream and shout at each other on TV. Okay I’m exaggerating a tiny bit – but there has been suggestions that as many as 11 could be involved in several different broadcasts!

Oh spiffing I hear you cry (in both senses) – just what we need a bunch of overpaid twats, totally out of touch with real people being offensive to each other and telling outrageous lies. I mean who wants to watch that? Okay – so I know it sounds very much like Big Brother and umpteen other reality garbage stuff but at least in those they sometimes get their kit off! Oh god – I just had a vision of Eric Pickles sans culottes and can’t get the image out of my mind!

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Back to the people we are supposed to vote for (fuck – Eric came to mind again). These people will be making pledges that they know they have no intention of keeping and accusing each other of everything from genocide to poking their tongues out and not washing behind their ears.

Think I’m exaggerating again? – have you watched Prime Minister’s Question Time? – I’ve seen better behaviour at a bleeding chimps tea party!

PM's Question Time Starting Soon.

The only way that this will be in any way watchable is if The Pub Landlord and The Monster Raving Loony Party are invited to join the inevitable fracas.

I can’t wait to hear Dave, Ed and Nick (the pledge) saying “oh I agree with Mr Pub and the bloke with the silly hat on”

Have to go now and get pissed – just hope it helps to get rid of that image of Eric!

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Almost Pointless

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The results from the latest Rugby United predictions game are in – http://blog.rugbyunited.info/2015/01/another-predictions-game-d/  I’m pleased to announce that I did somewhat better this week – notching up another whole point. Not brilliant, but it still doubled my score for the last 4 weeks and I have now stormed into third place with 2 out of 40 in January.

If I again fail to trouble the scorer this week my 2015 achievement so far will decline by 25% – at least I think so – after all, my scoring has already established that I’m not too hot when it comes to numbers! Whilst I hang on to the coveted Bronze position (out of three) there is a serious risk that I may be overtaken by blokes (or Doris’) who aren’t even playing. It will be a trifle embarrassing if I don’t even manage to get on the fucking podium at all!

This week the games are mostly in the LV Cup where teams will include players who are not yet household names and so scores should be less predictable (a talent I have been refining).

This should level the rugby pitch and my ‘completely in the dark’ guesses may have a chance (some bleeding hope). It has been suggested that I should simply resort to using dice. However, as I only have the two, my score variations would be between 12-2 and 12-12 neither of which register on the Richter scale for thrilling rugby (plus you can’t get 2 anymore). I would have asked the goldfish for advice, and even though he died several years ago I suspect he’d still do better than me. Problem is I’m fucked if I can remember where we buried the bastard!goldfishSOLENT_468x358

A Big Spam

"And it turned out that the e-mail I binned really was from a Nigerian oil millionaire wanting to give me ?200 million."

Harro sent me this e-mail yesterday – I haven’t the heart to tell the silly sod that it’s probably a scam and he’s only going to get a few hundred thousand!

 

From: pete harrison [mailto:pharrison42@]
Sent: 28 January 2015 12:36
To: David Shute
Subject: FW: FINANCIAL SUPPORT!!!‏

Woooohooo!!! I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams!!!

Pete Harrison

From: Eyal.Rotenberg@weizmann.ac.il
To:
Eyal.Rotenberg@weizmann.ac.il
Subject: RE: FINANCIAL SUPPORT!!!‏
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 2015 12:26:22 +0000

From: Eyal Rotenberg
Sent: Wednesday, January 28, 2015 1:07 PM
To: Eyal Rotenberg
Subject: FINANCIAL SUPPORT!!!‏

You have received a private donation of $2m. Kindly contact (roycockrumhelp024@yeah.net) for more details.

I’ve become something of an expert in these things which is why Harro sent his note – so far in 2015 I have been offered all sorts of opportunities –

  1. Any number of African blokes and Doris’ including George Tette, Mrs Sabrah Ibrahim and Adrey Taff want to share fortunes with me (and a lot more than Harro is getting). George is particularly keen and has sent various versions of his e-mail 5 times
  2. Several Turnipville companies are desperate to re-train me as a plumber, electrician or gas engineer
  3. Mr Steve William wants me to supply him with raw materials from India – he works for an animal vaccine company – so obviously I was his first choice supplier.
  4. Tracy Williams wants to make me her ‘special’ friend (might follow this one up, obviously)
  5. Idalia B. Locker is in competition with Tracy and claims to have ‘Big boobs… And a big butt… And know how to use them’ – despite her poor grammar I may not delete this one any time soon.
  6. Two different e-mails from separate addresses claim to be from HMRC and insist I have filled in my tax claim incorrectly – one was from Charles Knapp Tax Officer and I suspect he hoped to catch me napping (ha ha)
  7. A firm of solicitors is keen to find out how much my hearing has been damaged by working in a canning factory – these twats actually phoned – if my hearing was fucked how am I supposed to listen?
  8. I’m not even going to list the number of PPI claim idiots who e-mail and call

I promise I haven’t made any of these up – I’m not that bloody creative!'At 10:00 you'll be deleting spam. At 10:15 you'll be forwarding jokes. At 10:35 you'll be playing online poker. At noon...'

Dream On

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With the mounting injuries to England centres I was expecting a call from Lancaster (the bloke) any time now. I decided against going into the attic to look for my old boots since some sponsor is bound to offer me some free ones – am hoping for a nice pink, green and sky blue pair.

Then the bloody alarm went off and the nurse forced some meds down my pasty hole whilst tightening the straps on my white jacket. Brilliant – how the fuck am I going to pick the phone up now when he calls?