It is a nervous time for all English rugby blokes and Doris’ as we wait in the hope that Fiji can do us a big favour tomorrow and that the Wallabies implode on Saturday night.
Rather than continue to scribble nonsense about rugby today I thought I’d resort to taking the piss out of something.
For a couple of reasons Terry and I watch a lot of TV – the main one being I’m a bit of a lazy bastard (according to her anyway)
As you might have determined I am not a huge fan of reality TV bollocks (the description itself being a bit of a clue).
So, it is mainly dramas that we watch.
There is some good stuff too – not just Brit, but foreign language and US as well.
I am always a bit surprised though when it comes to the sex scenes – most of the lead actors appear to be able to have the most passionate and satisfying jumps without removing hardly any of their togs. The top Doris will never lose her bra and, as far as I can tell she is rarely sans knickers either! Meanwhile the bloke manages to have a top time without ever losing his strides.
Now I realise that the censors are somewhat reluctant to give the go ahead for hard core porn, but you would have expected the director to try for a bit more realism wouldn’t you?
You also never see the bloke fighting to open that fiddly noddy packet either – much less trying to put the bastard on whilst the Doris is falling about laughing and asking “Is that it?” You might be wondering how I know about these things – well I have a friend who once told me this can happen.
There was a true life drama on the other day – Gamechangers – it was about a loony lawyer trying to sue the makers of Grand Theft Auto for causing a kid to commit several murders after watching the game.
With the amount of unprotected sex on the TV you’d think that lawyers would be queueing up to sue the TV writers for promoting the rise in STDs.
As far as the Grand Theft case- I suspect it might have been more fruitful to go after the gun manufacturers than the kids designing video games. Still, it was in America.
Another thing on TV – you never see anyone busting for a waz – even when they’ve been staked out in a van for days or spent the last few hours getting trollied on beer in a bar.
When they do go to the loo it is only to bust some poor sod knocking out spliffs or to have unprotected sex up against the wall. During this delicate situation the Doris is being soundly rogered with her head banging against the redundant noddy dispenser.
It never seems to occur to either of them that it might be slightly more comfortable in the back of a car – or on top of the local landfill site next to dead donkeys and rotting fruit.
As for anyone needing a poo ever – well obviously the screen writers don’t give a shit.
At my age I spend more time in the bog than any other room in the house. Maybe I miss the actors heading off for a waz when I’m doing the same.
The other thing I’ve noticed is that TV cops are always several chips short of a Happy Meal. They head off to arrest some low life and as soon as they get within several hundred yards they feel compelled to shout out “Oi you!”
At which point the bloke legs it through some high rise flats or a crowded street. This happens so often that you’d think the cops (or the writers) might have noticed that the bloke always fucks off!
Why not creep up on the bastard and grab him with a loud “you’re nicked my son” – that’s what Reagan and Carter used to do (ask your dad).
It might also be a smart move to whack him with a truncheon or for a really good laugh give him a shot with the taser.
There are lots more idiot things on our screens besides the reality TV nonsense, but I’m a bit bored now (as you must be).
Perhaps Stuart Lancaster should issue our pack with tasers on Saturday – that would help us give the Wallabies a bit of a shock!