Kicking off for Second Half

The New Year sees the start of the second half of the season for the Premiership.

I managed 75% in first half so need to up my game starting this week.

Once more I’m just giving a quick summary of my guesses rather than previewing the games – not only can’t be arsed but have nothing of value to say that will provide insight to the games to be honest. But you already knew that if you’ve been here before.

So – R12

Saints to clip the wings of the Falcons

Saracens to slice London Irish

Chiefs to scalp Gloucester

Tigers drown in the Bath

Wasps to sting the Sharks

London Welsh to be dazzled by Quins

You saw what I did there didn’t you – I know, fucking pathetic eh?

Still, it’s been a tough year so give me a break!

I have a great Turnip Town leaflet to share with you tomorrow – that’s a tease to get you to tune in again – let’s see if it works!

 

 

Bad Santa Too

e2bb87fe6f901dd3c76556f52ba54892-unwrapped-santa-claus-chocolate-looks-like-a-penis

A week or so ago I mentioned the chockie Santa that looked like a willy and added this photo – I also mentioned that we found one at Lidl and got it for Rich for Christmas. We obviously got him other stuff too, but it was his second favourite pressie after his Spiderman onesie (he’s 33 by the way, in case you were wondering!).

We took some rather risqué photos with it on Christmas day (the Santa not the onesie), but Terry decided that they should be deleted and it’s too late now he got munched!

On a similar theme, Lell just sent me this link http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2014/12/30/play-doh-penisgate/ I assume it is true but it just looks like a lot of cock to me.

 

RnnsSL2

A Matter of Taste

chickenblog

The previous post to this was prepared by the nice blokes who own WordPress where this rubbish is hosted.

It is a summary of the stats for ‘rugbyoldbloke’ for 2014, although it doesn’t include today and up to midnight tomorrow. So it is actually a summary of January 1st to December 29th 2014 – if, by chance, several thousand new blokes (and Doris’) from unpronounceable nation states appear in the next 40 odd hours then it will be of fuck all use as a guide to my actual popularity! It also hasn’t got the number of visitors and principalities from 2013.

If you add those in, the visitors from the beginning (July 2013) goes up to almost 28,000 and the countries now total 87.

Now, I’m fuck all use at statistics – although I am told I do a mean standard deviation! But, if I’m right, this means that two of the countries that visited in 2013 couldn’t be arsed to come back this year!

Actually I’ve just tried to work this out to see if it is the case but had to give up when I ran out of fingers and toes. This would have been less of a problem if I could have engaged the services of the village idiot who has more digits than the rest of us.

Anyway, I shall be trying to see if I can identify the bastards who haven’t bothered to return – they are in line for an award for showing remarkable restraint and good taste. Which is more than can be said for the rest of you! Thanks for reading guys!

Shark’s Tale

I was just two minutes away from getting a full house for my Premiership predictions this week. Salvi went over in a last gasp effort and Williams conversion clinched a 32 – 30 win. Well, thanks very much Julian and Owen!

That Tigers win against the Sharks was one of only two away wins this week.

Still, 5 out of 6 ain’t bad and it pushed my running total up to 75% for the first half of the season.

The claim that the premiership is the most competitive league in world rugby was given some extra credibility in R11 – in 4 out of the 6 matches the losing team earned a bonus point and the total difference in all games was just 48 points – and average of 8 per match.

At the halfway stage there are 7 teams well in contention for a top 4 place and if Harlequins, currently in 8th , play like they did on Saturday, then they could also compete for the play-offs.

Quins still lost and it reminded me of the IBM nonsense. I have often taken the piss out of the ‘Try Tracker’ computer programme that is supposed to predict what teams have to do to win – if it had been used in at least two of the games at the weekend then it would have crashed from sheer fucking incompetence. The stats for Big Game 7 were so heavily weighted in favour of Harlequins that you might have imagined that Saints would have been lucky to come second. With only 25% possession and making a fraction of the line breaks and yards that Quins did, the Saints should have been stuffed. In fact they showed why they are champions and won without reaching anything like their usual high standards. Brian Moore had a go at them in his Telegraph column for not providing good entertainment, I suspect that Saints fans couldn’t give a stuff about what former Quins hooker, ‘Pit-bull’ thinks.

It was a similar case at Gloucester where wasps came away with a good win despite being on the wrong side of the stats. Someone should point out to IBM that the game is rugby not a version of ‘Grand Theft Auto’

Still much to play for in the second half of the season as we head towards 2015, but London Welsh will need something like a ‘Grand Theft’ miracle not to be back in the Championship next September.

Aviva Premiership Rugby

Team Played Won Drawn Lost For Against Bonus Pts Points
1 Northampton 11 9 0 2 342 188 7 43
2 Bath 11 9 0 2 345 190 6 42
3 Saracens 11 7 1 3 355 230 4 34
4 Exeter 11 7 0 4 308 213 5 33
5 Leicester 11 6 1 4 233 248 5 31
6 Wasps 11 6 0 5 329 236 6 30
7 Sale 11 6 0 5 265 244 6 30
8 Harlequins 11 5 0 6 207 228 4 24
9 Gloucester 11 4 0 7 247 279 5 21
10 London Irish 11 3 0 8 205 303 4 16
11 Newcastle 11 3 0 8 192 244 3 15
12 London Welsh 11 0 0 11 89 514 1 1

Oil Rig?

civil-service-cartoon

Everyone was given an unexpected Christmas present this year when the price of crude (nudge nudge) fell and the petrol prices fell at the pumps (nudge again!).

Well I have been given an even bigger surprise – the Ministry of petroleum Resources in Nigeria have allocated me $12 million because “some corrupt officials in the finance department holding onto your the funds for their own interest.”

Bit of luck eh? Especially as I have fuck all to do with any “foreign Companies and Individual contractors” employed by the Ministry.

From: Ministry Of Petroleum Resources [mailto:juan@Kenpol.com]
Sent: 28 December 2014 02:40
Subject: RE:DELIVERY OF YOUR FUND
 

From: Mr. Danladi Kifasi

Director: Ministry Of Petroleum Resources Payment Remittance Center ABUJA Nigeria

Dear Beneficiary,

This letter is from Ministry Of Petroleum Resources Payment Remittance Center a Financial Service Authority under the direct supervision of the Ministry of Finance of the Federal Republic of Nigeria/in Conjunction with the United States Of America Government.

This body was set up to discover and take over and appropriate outstanding Accrued Interest from Financial transactions that was done with the NNPC (Nigeria National Petroleum Company) with foreign Companies and Individual contractors.

You have been passing through a lot of difficulties in seeing to the release of this fund, this has been the handwork of some corrupt officials in the finance department holding onto your the funds for their own interest.

You are hereby informed that a part payment of TWELVE MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS (US$12M) has been approved yesterday.

It will interest you to know that this discovery is of utmost urgency and a mandate has been given to this body by the Ministry Of Petroleum Resources Payment Remittance Center to ensure that this fund gets to you without any delay.

Note that a special payment arrangement has been made with our Escrow Agent to deliver the said fund to your home address or alternatively come in person to our payment outlet center in Africa to sign the release payment of your fund.

You are hereby advised to urgently furnish to this office with your detailed information to enable us open up communication with you regarding the release of your fund immediately.

The nfomation required from you to enable us process your payment is as follows.

(1) Your Full Name:

(2) Residential Address:

(3) Phone, Fax and Cell Phone Number:

(4) Your Private Email address:

(5) Occupation:

(6) Company Name:

You are to forward your information to this e-mail address: dkifasi1@yahoo.com.tw

You are advised to contact us immediately with the above requested information for further details.

Thanks.

Yours Truly

Mr. Danladi Kifasi

Director:Ministry Of Petroleum Resources Payment Remittance Center

Okay so the spelling and grammar is a bit crap – although I only know this from the annoying wavy red and green lines that Google spellcheck sticks all over any text. However, before you accuse me of being a total Muppet and suggest that this is spam, let me tell you that I was, indeed, at first a tad suspicious of this rather exciting communication.

So I googled the Ministry and it does actually exist – moreover, so does Mr Danladi Kifasi. So, not so green as Kermit now eh?

The only teeny problem is that Danladi has not been the permanent secretary to the Ministry since last August – whilst the e-mail was sent yesterday!

But, no problem, it turns out the bloke is now even more of a top banana as he has been made Head of Service for the Federation. This apparently makes him numero uno bod in Nigeria’s Civil (sic) Service.

So I was rather tending to giving him the hurry up and about to claim my $ millions.

Imagine my disappointment when I found out that he was indicted for corruption in 2000 and barred from ever holding public office. http://www.osundefender.org/?p=182330 I guess he must have been given a pardon or something, although it must have been a bit serious, as to be actually convicted of corruption in Nigeria takes some bloody doing I can tell you!

I find it rather ironic that he was appointed to his new post by the ‘capo du tutti capi’ in Nigeria – Mr Goodluck Jonathan.

Just when I thought I had a bit of good luck too!