It was announced yesterday that the RFU are going to produce an ‘Idiot’s Guide to Rugby Union’ for the 2015 World Cup
As far as I can work out this is meant for anyone who has managed to buy a ticket for the World Cup without knowing what the fuck it was for! – http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/rugbyunion/rugby-world-cup/11570092/Rugby-World-Cup-2015-spectators-to-receive-idiots-guide.html
Let’s be fair, if you did manage to get a ticket for one of the top matches then you are certainly not an idiot. The web site crashed so many times, I’m surprised that all the tickets weren’t snapped up by Bill Gates, the funny looking bloke who runs facebook or a halfway decent hacker.
I guess there will be a fair few bankers (spelt with a W) who have bought over priced tickets from scalpers – but then a) Who gives a fuck about them and b) They will probably be too pissed on the money we bailed them out with, to leave the bar for the stands.
The other point which makes this a largely futile exercise is that all the idiots I know either played rugby or are obsessed with it – so probably aren’t especially in need of a guide to what goes on.
Obviously the front row don’t understand anything except fighting and biting in a scrum – but since few of them ever got beyond ‘Janet and John’ it seems unlikely that a literary opus will be of much use. Although if it is a thick tome, I suppose they could use it to bosh their opposite number in a ruck.
Think I’m exaggerating? Just look at the picture on the front of this book –
Of course I may have got the wrong end of the stick – maybe they mean it’s going to be written by an idiot – the RFU are going to be spoilt for choice.
Having fuck all else to do, I have produced my own idiots’ guide© (yeah – as written by this idiot)
- Smuggle beer into the ground – it’s fucking pricey inside
- Get pissed before you get to the gate – in case they find your stash
- Never ever sing that fucking slave song about chariots (unless it’s one about Offiah)
- Remember to take the piss out of the opposition fans – they’ll be standing next to you and the worst that will happen is that their sledges will be funnier than yours.
- Nobody, including the ref has a bleeding clue what goes on in the scrums – so don’t waste your breath
- No – I have no idea why a) they wear stupid coloured boots, b) blokes from Basingstoke and Swansea have Maori tattoos and c) it is illegal to give anyone a good shoeing these days
Right, my work here is done – a note to the blokes at the RFU, I have copyrighted my guide so don’t even dream of nicking it (although offering me a few free tickets might persuade me to license it to you).