An Idiot at Home

It was announced yesterday that the RFU are going to produce an ‘Idiot’s Guide to Rugby Union’ for the 2015 World Cup

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As far as I can work out this is meant for anyone who has managed to buy a ticket for the World Cup without knowing what the fuck it was for! – http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/rugbyunion/rugby-world-cup/11570092/Rugby-World-Cup-2015-spectators-to-receive-idiots-guide.html

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Let’s be fair, if you did manage to get a ticket for one of the top matches then you are certainly not an idiot. The web site crashed so many times, I’m surprised that all the tickets weren’t snapped up by Bill Gates, the funny looking bloke who runs facebook or a halfway decent hacker.

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I guess there will be a fair few bankers (spelt with a W) who have bought over priced tickets from scalpers – but then a) Who gives a fuck about them and b) They will probably be too pissed on the money we bailed them out with, to leave the bar for the stands.

The other point which makes this a largely futile exercise is that all the idiots I know either played rugby or are obsessed with it – so probably aren’t especially in need of a guide to what goes on.

Obviously the front row don’t understand anything except fighting and biting in a scrum – but since few of them ever got beyond ‘Janet and John’ it seems unlikely that a literary opus will be of much use. Although if it is a thick tome, I suppose they could use it to bosh their opposite number in a ruck.

Think I’m exaggerating? Just look at the picture on the front of this book –

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Of course I may have got the wrong end of the stick – maybe they mean it’s going to be written by an idiot – the RFU are going to be spoilt for choice.

Having fuck all else to do, I have produced my own idiots’ guide© (yeah – as written by this idiot)

  1. Smuggle beer into the ground – it’s fucking pricey inside
  2. Get pissed before you get to the gate – in case they find your stash
  3. Never ever sing that fucking slave song about chariots (unless it’s one about Offiah)
  4. Remember to take the piss out of the opposition fans – they’ll be standing next to you and the worst that will happen is that their sledges will be funnier than yours.
  5. Nobody, including the ref has a bleeding clue what goes on in the scrums – so don’t waste your breath
  6. No – I have no idea why a) they wear stupid coloured boots, b) blokes from Basingstoke and Swansea have Maori tattoos and c) it is illegal to give anyone a good shoeing these days

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Right, my work here is done – a note to the blokes at the RFU, I have copyrighted my guide so don’t even dream of nicking it (although offering me a few free tickets might persuade me to license it to you).

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A Bit Special

A couple of very good clips.

Two All Blacks show off some impressive ball skills – there are no cuts that I can see, so it was all in real time! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WUUovQwwrM

Wonder if they had more than one take – either way it is bloody impressive!

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Here’s the first in the series – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubBXDFtynC0&feature=iv&src_vid=3WUUovQwwrM&annotation_id=annotation_734635

Unluckily for them, there isn’t a competition for circus tricks – but you can see how the rest of the rugby world might just worry a bit about their skill levels and accuracy.

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Another one – I will never get tired of seeing Nigel Owens having a banter in a game – the best ref in the world bar none!

http://www1.skysports.com/watch/video/sports/rugby-union/9828317/theres-only-one-nigel-owens

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Finally a shot from someone taking out a streaker – unfortunately he’s got his head on the wrong side!

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Road Age

A nice Doris on twitter – who for some odd reason prefers to be called Wendy, sent me this pic with a note saying “just up your street lol”

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I’m very obliged to her, although I have no idea how she knows where I live – perhaps she has that Google spy thing.

I plan to pop along to the gaff she mentioned – with a bit of luck it’ll turn out that Debbie lives there.

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A quick word of warning though – the star of ‘Debbie does Dallas’ series is a young Doris called Bambi Woods. Her name sounds a bit Disney to me – I would caution all the mums out there – I wouldn’t book her for your 5 year olds’ birthday party if I were you.

It may look a bit like a circus trapeze act – trust me it really isn’t!

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Trying Times

There are a few good videos of rugby tries flying around at the moment.

Sky have put together a compilation of the top touchdowns from the weekend – http://www1.skysports.com/watch/video/sports/rugby-union/9826083/top-5-tries-of-the-week-27th-april

Some pretty good ones, but you may have noticed that it does not include Joe Simpson’s game winning solo effort at the Ricoh. This isn’t because it wasn’t pretty swift – but because BT have the rights to the Premiership.

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Highlights of all 6 Premiership games can be seen here – http://sport.bt.com/rugby-union-hub/rugby-union/aviva-premiership/aviva-premiership-round-20-review-S11363977709549

Simpson must be in with a shout for score of the season – and you can vote for him (or someone else) in the Citizen Try of the week at – http://www.premiershiprugby.com/totw?utm_source=Try+of+the+Week+2014%2F2015&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Try+of+the+Week+Rnd+20#buK0hqCVgwJEzOPL.97

You might win yourself a spiffy watch too!

Finally another Sky collection – the top ten tries so far from the first Champions’ Cup – http://www1.skysports.com/watch/video/sports/rugby-union/9826145/champions-cup-201415-top-10-tries

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It’s the Final this week and they are worried about not getting a lot of fans at Twickenham because it’s two french teams. If you love live rugby i would suggest that you get there – bound to be a discount on tickets and there ar some pretty special players on view.

Might be the only time you get to see Steffon at Twickenham too!

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No Evidence

Sometimes I see stuff in the press and think – seriously? You couldn’t make this up!

There were two stories yesterday that are sort of similar and both are ridiculous.

A case was thrown out of court because the police had already auctioned off the evidence – http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/11568032/Court-case-dropped-after-police-sell-evidence-at-auction.html

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Apparently police auctions of recovered goods happen a lot – although I would have thought the bloke who had it nicked might have rather preferred to have it returned. The cock up was spotted when the new owner turned up in the shop where it had been half inched from in the first place, looking for spare parts.

I suppose the victim should be grateful that it wasn’t being used as a getaway bike from another robbery at his gaff!

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So, if you’ve been turned over and wouldn’t mind getting the gear back – I suggest you pitch up at your nearest Coppers’ Bargain Hunt. There might be a TV series or a sitcom in that.

These auctions are quite common – http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/11314648/Police-force-makes-270000-selling-seized-goods-on-eBay.html

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Just as bizarrely, is the story of a burglar who tried to sell a TV back to the bloke he’d just nicked it from – http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/11568281/Burglar-caught-trying-to-sell-stolen-TV-back-to-its-owner.html

He went down the road he’d been knocking over, as a door to door sales bloke knocking out the pinched stuff. A bit surprised that he got caught, as I think he looks just like the sort of bloke you’d want to buy from on your doorstep  –

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I’m not sure just how stupid you have to be to do this, but it must be pretty high on the list.

Why didn’t he go down the next road or maybe a block or two over?

Not sure if the lady whose TV it was did get it back – perhaps she managed the winning bid at the Old Bill auction.

An Ayling Campaign

Lell sent me this pic from a statement UKIP candidate, Victoria Ayling said in a local debate –

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Seriously Vicky?

I think you need a dictionary – look up the meaning of renewable and while you’re about it check on non sequitur too!

God help us if she ends up their spokesperson on edjewkashun!

Weight for It

A few days ago I mentioned the rapid demise of the premise that ‘rugby is a game for all shapes and sizes’. I also wrote about the exceptions to the new law which states that ‘big bastards rule’ – guys like Shane Williams and Kyle Eastmond.

During the weekend game at the Ricoh both Joe Simpson and Christian Wade underlined that not everyone has to be 17 stone and bloody fast. Although, to be fair, it certainly helps.

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Of course, at lower levels of the sport there is still, thankfully, room for guys who don’t look like Sonny Bill (or run as fast) to enjoy the best game in the world. I was one of them and saw a few others at the Askean dinner who wouldn’t get a part in ‘Baywatch’ – some of them are still playing too!

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That’s not me – in case you were wondering

At the other end of the scale (ha ha) are the so called ‘Super Models’ – Doris’ who look like they’ve been living on a diet similar to that of my pet tortoise, Alan. I say pet – you wouldn’t want to take him for a walk – he makes me look like Usian Bolt ffs!

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The French government have now decided that some models are not so much super as skeletal and have passed a new law – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-32174364

They have banned the scraggiest from the catwalk – presumably in case they fall through the cracks in the flooring.

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Whilst I commend the idea, I can see a couple of problems with this new law. First off they are going to have to move the prison bars a lot closer together and, secondly, how the fuck are they going to tell if one of them goes on hunger strike?

I confess I am not a fan of scrawny Doris’ – if I want to see a bag of bones I’ll get an X-ray of my foot.

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I have yet to meet a bloke who thinks that a girl who looks like an emaciated boy is someone you’d like to see with their togs off – mind you, I never met Janner, Smith or Savile, luckily.

Dove did a really good campaign featuring women who looked normal – it was based on research with women too – http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/10/realistic-advertising-women-judge-research

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I do have a serious message for those super skinny models though – for fuck’s sake – eat something!