Donald Ducked

Donald ducked is rhyming slang for when something goes totally wrong.

Dave ‘Mini’ Powell sent me this joke yesterday –

From: “David” <
Date: 21 August 2017 at 17:09:02 BST
To: “David Shute” <
Subject: Fw: The lone sniper

Thought you might like this.    Rgds, Dave.

A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President’s bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted “Mickey Mouse!  Mickey Mouse!”
A shot rang out and Trump fell.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted “Mickey Mouse”
‘I’m sorry” he said…….

“I meant to shout “Donald, duck!”

Of course in this joke the rhyming slang doesn’t really work!

 

The Business End

The semi-finals of the Women’s World Cup are being played tomorrow along with the ranking play-offs

Tuesday 22 August Fixtures

9th-Place Semi-finals

Italy v Japan (noon, Queen’s University)

Spain v Hong Kong (2.30pm, Queen’s University)

5th-place Semi-finals

Ireland v Australia (2pm, Kingspan)

Canada v Wales (5pm, Queen’s University)

Semi-finals

New Zealand v USA (5pm, Kingspan)

England v France (7.45pm, Kingspan)
I think the ranking winners will be – Japan, Spain, Canada and Ireland

In the first semi-final, New Zealand should be able to stifle the USA running game by taking control up front and using their own wide game.

The second semi is the big one – France have looked good, but then so have England.

I have to go with England – but then you knew that didn’t you?

If I’m right and it is a NZ v England final it will be a hell of a game.

Brace Yourself Rodney

Some David Jason TV specials have been produced and the first one will air on 26th August –

David Jason: My Life On Screen (3 x 60′) from Shiver and The Story of Only Fools & Horses (5 x 60′) produced by North One Television, in tribute to one of the nation’s best-loved comedy actors and some of his most-iconic starring roles.

For the first time Sir David Jason looks back at his incredible life in television in this exclusive three-part special, David Jason: My Life On Screen. This revealing, highly personal insight into the life and career of an actor, who has become an undisputed national treasure, will be told in his own words.

Sir David will talk about the comedy stars who inspired him, including the pivotal role his friend and mentor Ronnie Barker played in his career. He’ll recall his first big television break, working alongside future Monty Python stars Michael Palin and Eric Idle on the comedy sketch show Do Not Adjust Your Set. Sir David Jason will also treat viewers to a tour of his childhood roots in Finchley and the theatres where he first trod the boards. Plus visits to the locations of some of his most well-known shows including, Only Fools & Horses, The Darling Buds of May and A Touch of Frost.

It should be worth watching if only for some of the classic scenes

David Jason talks about the chandelier –

And then there is the bar scene

Fantastic comic timing by the actors and brilliant writing by the late John Sullivan.

We did once work with David Jason – probably around the early 70s. He did a commercial for us for PG Tips  – for the launch of ‘big tea bags’ (another amazing British invention!).

Unfortunately I can’t find the ad – just a reference to it from a review of his autobiography –

“There is a really good story of filming a tea commercial with a giant sugar lump in pre-digital days” 

He was very professional and easy to work with – despite him having to keep jumping into a huge tea cup in a wetsuit whilst describing the incredible benefits of tea in a large bag. As he surfaced he was hit on the head with a giant sugar cube – only foam, obviously – we didn’t have the budget for a real one!

Set the recorder – the programme is on Saturday.

 

Makes Me Wonder!

In my post yesterday (‘Wonder Product’) I outlined my new found popularity with a number of nubile Doris who have been rather suggestive in their communications.

Not surprisingly, I received this barbed response from Harro –

pete harrison on August 20, 2017 at 4:22 pm said:

David ‘shagger’ Shite

I don’t think there’s any danger of you disappointing anyone, you’ve been doing that since you were born back during the industrial revolution!

And on a more pertinent point, I think Veronica, Isabella, Sue & Laura may have sent those emails to you by mistake as I have received the very same ones! I know…imagine my surprise!
Either that or those bitches are two timing us!

Hasta La Vista Grey Beard

El Harro

Oh please – why would any attractive Doris reject me in favour of a 6’ 4” Adonis who looks like he stepped out of Baywatch? I mean seriously?

In case you missed it Harro – the Adonis bit was sarcasm – as was the idea that you were in Baywatch (except maybe as a stunt double for that twat on the beach)

 

The Passing of a Legend

“If a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound?’

We now know the answer – it does if it’s a ‘Pinetree’

Earlier today Colin ‘Pinetree’ Meads lost his battle with cancer at the age of 81

Tributes have poured in for one of the most formidable forwards ever in world rugby.

Born: June 3, 1936 in Cambridge

Died: August 20, 2017 (aged 81)

PLAYING STATS

Height: 1.92 metres

Weight: 102 kgs

All Blacks debut: v New South Wales, Sydney (May 18, 1957)

Test debut: v Australia, Sydney (May 25, 1957)

Last test: v British and Irish Lions, Auckland (Aug. 14, 1971)

All Blacks matches: 133 (55 tests)

INTERNATIONAL CAREER

 

* Made his test debut against Australia in 1957 as a flanker, one of just eight tests when he did not play lock.

* Became virtually an automatic choice from then on, but was dropped against the Lions in 1959 and then against Australia in 1962.

* Captained the All Blacks for the first time on the tour of Britain in 1963-64, a 23-9 victory over Combined Services.

* In New Zealand’s 14-3 victory over Scotland at Murrayfield, became the second All Blacks player to be sent off in a test match.

* Already renowned for his toughness and no-nonsense attitude on the field, Meads broke his arm against Eastern Transvaal on the 1970 tour of South Africa but finished the game. He missed two of the four tests because of the injury.

* Named to lead the All Blacks in a test match for the first time in his final series against the Lions in 1971.

* Ended his international career following the 14-14 draw against the Lions at Eden Park, which gave the combined side a 2-1 series victory — their first and only series win over the All Blacks.

* Continued to play for two more seasons before retiring in 1973 after having played a total of 361 first class matches, a record that stood until Keven Mealamu surpassed it in 2015.

His battle with Willie John McBride on the 1971 Lions tour was worth the cost of a ticket alone.

Meads had retired when I first saw the All Blacks play ‘live’ – 1973 at Twickenham with my mate Ben.

However I did see him at the ‘Martin Johnson tour dinner’ in NZ in 2005.

He was on the stage with other legends of the game including Martin Johnson (obviously), Jock Hobbs, Jason Leonard and Peter Wheeler.

The only one I actually spoke to was Peter Wheeler who I had known from playing with and against him at Brocks.

I had planned to give the others the colossal benefit of my rugby experience, but I was too pissed – having just bought a Lions shirt signed by MJ for more than $NZ 500 in the auction.

I will always regret not shaking ‘Pinetree’s’ hand.

I did pick up a biography of Sir Colin by Brian Turner in a second hand bookshop (a bargain $5.50) in Queenstown though – it is a good read

The best chapter is number 3 ‘A Hard Man’

“I was mean in the sense that I wanted to win and thought we had to win when wearing the All Black jersey”

All Black Fergie McCormack said that Meads was ‘a terrible man with the silver fern on’

Few of his opponents would disagree I expect.

A sad day and New Zealand and the rugby world will mourn his passing.

 

Bok Mark

The Springboks took another step to recovery in Port Elizabeth yesterday when they put the Pumas away by 37-15.

It was the 4th win on the bounce for South Africa following the 3-0 drubbing of France in the summer.

The Pumas were always under pressure and only led briefly after scoring a break away try by Martin Landajo – who inexplicably dived away from the posts when he crossed the line! Having been under pressure for over 30 minutes you would have thought that he might have tried to make the conversion easier!

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It was 13-5 to the Springboks at halftime and although the Pumas recovered to 23-15 going into the last quarter there was only going to be one winner.

The most worrying thing for the Pumas coach, Daniel Hourcade was the way that the Pumas scrum was monstered – Argentina have always prided themselves on their forward power.

Next week sees the reverse fixtures in the Championship with the Wallabies travelling to Dunedin and the Springboks in Salta.

Much for the Wallabies and Pumas to ponder.