Fool Queue

I never get tired of reading about daft stuff that people research and I’ve mentioned quite a few here.

Now a ‘trick cyclist’ has come up with a set of ideas that are designed to ensure that you always get served quickly at the bar –

Dr Peter Collett said, ‘“When you’re queueing up in a busy pub, there are several factors that will obviously affect how quickly you get served, like the number of people waiting to get a drink

Can’t we get you on Mastermind Doc? Special subject the ‘bleeding obvious’.

Pete does have some suggestions though –

Slipstream – place yourself behind the customers moving towards the bar fastest
Echo – grab some glasses and a tray and channel your inner bartender
Return – go back to the same bartender every time
Vision – stay in the bartender’s eye line to maximise your chances of being next
Engage – make friends with your fellow queuers, they might just say you’re next

Seriously Pete? Have you ever actually been in a crowded bar? Several of those listed are likely to get you a swift trip to A & E rather than a swift pint mate.

And just for the record what the fuck is ‘your inner bartender’?

Here are a few more practical suggestions –

Always go on the raz with a big bastard like Harro – getting to the bar has never been a problem for him

Never ever hold the kitty – that way it’s some other poor sods problem to get the drinks in

If you are forced to hold the whip – buy some stupid drinks for the first round – like 8 ‘Springboks’ – a mix of crème de menthe and Baileys – the other 7 will take the money off you like a shot and you won’t have to go to the bar again all night. Be warned though, this can be risky if Harro is with you, he hates sickly drinks and is likely to lamp you one.


Set off the fire alarm or, less dangerously shout  “they’re holding open auditions for ‘Debbie does Dallas’ next door”

Take a member of the Royal family with you – it will be boring as fuck, but the protection plods will keep all the other blokes out of the way.

Get the DJ to put on ‘Brown Sugar’ and mine sweep when they all get up to dance. This is also much cheaper and there are usually an interesting variety of alcoholic beverages on offer.

See? Stuff that is actually likely to work.

Alternatively pork on the sofa and get the Doris to bring the cans in – with a bit of luck she’ll have got in some pasties too.









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