Duck Off

I saw this poster and it reminded me of a couple of old jokes –

IMG_8797

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??”

“Because the dog’s a damn liar. He never did any of that shit.”

And this one –

 

Two race horses were sitting at a bar having a few beers when one turns the other and says,
“Jerry, something really strange happened to me at the track the other day”
“What happened Bill?”
“Well, I was running a race and I was stuck in the middle of the pack trying to break away. I thought I would lose that race but then I saw a strange light flash from the stands. I turned and looked at it and suddenly ‘WOOSH’ all of a sudden I was at the front of the pack and I ended up winning the race”
“Holy Shit”, said Jerry.
“Bill, that’s exactly what happened to me only a few days ago. I was running a race and about half way, I started to drop back. I thought I was going to lose for sure but then I saw that strange light coming from the stands. You’re right Jerry, it just seemed to get brighter and then suddenly ‘WOOSH’ there I was five lengths in front and I ended up winning the race.”
As the two race horses discussed the incident, a Race Dog sitting at a nearby stool came up to them.
“Excuse me lads,” said the Race Dog. “I couldn’t help but over hear your conversation and I wanted to let you know that that very same thing happened to me about a week ago down at the track. I was running a race and struggling on the outside lane trying to get some space when I started to drift further back and away from the lead. I knew I was going to lose that race but then that very strange light that you boys had just described started pulsing from the stands. Well, as you may have already guessed, ‘Woosh,’ there I was up at the front and I ended up winning that race although I’ve never been able to figure out exactly how.”
The two horses were awestruck.
“Holy Shit, Bill, did you just hear what I heard!”
“I know,” said Jerry. “It’s a fucking talking dog!”

 

The poster by the pond  seems to suggest that we now have a bunch of articulate ducks – where they found a printer who didn’t just reach for the pancakes and some hoisin sauce, I have no idea!

 

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