When I worked in marketing we used to have to answer a lot of stupid letters from consumers and trade customers.
These included a shop keeper who wanted us to bring a chimp for his new store opening and asked if ‘Mr Shifter’ could say a few words (no – really).
There was also a Doris who put in a claim for a new kitchen because the instructions on the pie tin said ‘turn over and cook as directed on the base’. She put the tin, unopened and upside down in the oven! Soon after, there was no cooker and not much of a kitchen.
Complaints are a bloody nuisance for every brand manager, but some can be fun. Here are some other genuine ones received by Thomas Cook –
- “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time – this should be banned
3. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.”
4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”
5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over- looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate”.
6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the “do not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
7. “The beach was too sandy.”
8. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”
9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
10. “Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”
11. “We bought’ Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”
12. “No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
13. “There was no egg slicer in the apartment…”
14. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish…”
15. “The roads were uneven..”
16. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”
17. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”
18. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation. We’re trainee hairdressers – will we be OK staying there?”
19. “There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners ‘– now — live abroad’.”
20. “We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”
21. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel..”
22. “I was bitten by a mosquito – no-one said they could bite.”
23. “My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
There ought to be an IQ test ion the booking form!