Top of the Bill

The journey to Bill’s 70th took just over 4 hours, mainly due to the idiots who were driving even slower than me. I was listening to the Wasps v Toulouse game and couldn’t believe that somehow the home side managed to carry out more butchery than Vlad the Impaler.

When Toulouse got the penalty try and Danny Cipriani was sin binned I thought that the game was over – and I stopped for a comfort break (that’s going for a waz for my less sophisticate readers – so nearly all of you then).

I was both chuffed for Wasps and annoyed at myself when I got back to the car and heard the result.

I’ve since seen the highlights and am not sure that Cipriani did anything wrong or that a penalty try was deserved – not that it matters now, thank goodness.

It was a good job that Annalia and Rafa weren’t in the car as my language during the game was particularly ‘expressive’.

I know – any excuse eh?

The do for Bill was very good and there were a lot of (very) old faces there. It would be rather pointless to list all the names as it won’t mean a great deal to those living in most of the 160 countries where this nonsense is consumed. Having said that, it will take up a bit of space so I’m going to let you know anyway. Those there whose names I remembered were – Billy (obviously), Boney, Locks, Phil A, Black Alex, The Tay brothers, Lunny, Micky Skinner, Danny Vaughan, Bob N and Kenny Crouch. There were probably others who I have forgotten (since last night ffs!) and since 99% of you don’t know them from Adam (who I don’t think was there) it is of no consequence.

Obviously there were loads of blokes and Doris’ there who I didn’t know or recognise, some of whom I may have actually played rugby with.

Rugby players of today are bigger, heavier and faster – most of us former players there last night have certainly managed to achieve the first two of these!

The DJ started his set with the latest chart toppers from the curiously named ‘Little Mix’ – he had a suspiciously high voice and I can only imagine he is a tiny Mexican bloke – so probably hasn’t been invited to sing at Don’s inauguration next week.

As Lunny commented, when this first song was played, it seemed an odd selection for the party of a bloke who has just turned 70 – although maybe Bill is a Mix fan.

Bill and Margaret had organised food for several thousand and I expect they’ll be eating quiche and prawn sandwiches for the next couple of weeks.

I had to leave to drive back and surreptitiously filled my pockets with cocktail sausages and sausage rolls.

The thing I noticed about driving in London now is that every other car is a ‘4 x 4’ – which I think is shorthand for the fact that they seat 16+ and still have room for a luggage allowance of 22 kgs for each of them. They must need all this space for their huge families and I think I’ve spotted a market gap for an enterprising entrepreneur – obviously there is a shortage of condoms available in the capital!

I may try and pitch the idea to those pompous twats on Dragon’s Den.

The cars also all have bull bars on the front – presumably for when they encounter rampaging hippos on the plains of East Croydon.

The highlight of the return journey was the closure of the A23 just before the M25. We all had to go back – my ability to turn round was somewhat hampered by the bloke in front who found it necessary to park and indulge in an excited conversation with the old bill leaning on the road block.

I couldn’t hear much of the discourse but suspect it wasn’t entirely regarding the Brexit fuck up or the merits of Arsenal reverting to a 4-4-2 formation.

I eventually managed to get on the motorway following a 45 minute, 7 mile detour – along with every other poor sod who would have preferred to toddle down the A23. Luckily the sausage rolls ensured I didn’t pass out from hunger during this arduous diversion.

On the drive home I was entertained by a debate on Radio 4 between Edwina Currie and a journalist Doris regarding the current state of the NHS.

According to Mrs Chicken Vindaloo there isn’t a crisis in the NHS at all – it’s all because thousands of people head to A & E on a Saturday night because they are a bit depressed when the next silly sod is voted out of Big Brother. That wasn’t her exact explanation – it was, in fact, something even less bleeding plausible.

You have to admit Edwina really has her finger on the pulse (so perhaps she could help the doctors out)

I finally arrived home in the early hours and noticed a WhatsApp from Lell – reminding me to take photos at the party for the blog – I probably should have checked my phone sooner.

The lack of visual aids in this post will confirm that I didn’t! But since, as far as I know, my phone doesn’t have a wide angle lens it wouldn’t have helped much.

When I was chatting to Bill at the party we worked out that we hadn’t seen each other since his 60th party which was almost exactly 10 years ago (obviously). Hopefully we’ll meet up again before his 80th.

Happy Birthday Bill – top night mate!




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