There is a theory that if we gave a load of apes a bunch of computers (rather than bananas) they would eventually bash out all the stuff that Willy Shakespeare knocked out (and, even then, I still wouldn’t be able to make much sense of it)

It’s called the ‘Infinite Monkey Theorem’ and the actual wording is –

*The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at **random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare. In fact the monkey would almost surely type every possible finite text an infinite number of times.*

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Frankly, I think the chances of this actually happening are relatively low – especially given the fact that the simians are likely to be even more bored than me by Troilus and Cressida and some of those drippy sonnets. Writers block is a bloody certainty for the little hairy bastards.

Having spent some years working with the PG Chimps I can tell you that they are far more accomplished at chucking poo with some considerable degree of accuracy.

The point of this is that after a fairly long gap of not taking the piss out of dosh being spent on stupid research projects I have come across a real cracker! One that is even more stupid than the theoretical ‘i-pad of the Apes’ outlined above.

Physics bods from the University of Leicester have worked out that in a battle between Zombies and us – the non-existent mutants would win!

I promise you I am not making this up –

*Using their hypothesis — that a zombie has a 90 per cent chance of turning a human into a zombie once it has found said human, and that a zombie could find at least one human a day — they predicted how long the population could hold out using the SIR model, an epidemiological model that describes the spread of a disease throughout a population.*

*Using the model, they split the population into three categories; the susceptible population (S), zombie (Z) and dead (D).*

*The lifespan of a zombie, they worked out, goes thus: S,Z,D. Natural birth and death rates did not feature in the working, as 100 days as the zombie epidemic took place over 100 days, which meant the natural births and deaths were negligible compared to the zombie virus.*

I’m really glad they are not wasting their time on something completely fucking stupid! Their parents must be so proud.

Maybe this term they can research these more testing questions –

Anyway I’ve worked out how we would win –

I’m only joking obviously – we’d be wiped out in no time – I read it on the back of a beer mat (in the Leicester Uni bar)

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