Signature Loons

Many couples and even some companies have tracks that they like to think are ‘their song’.These are commonly known as ‘signature tunes’ and I think that’s okay. Ours is ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’, obviously.

But there is another increasingly popular thing happening – putting your moniker on an online petition.

If you get enough signatures you can even get the topic debated in Parliament – this tends to be a few more than your mates, their wives and their wives tennis partners (nudge nudge). I think the going rate is about 100,000 to force MPs to take it seriously – this usually ends up with them saying  ‘fuck off’ after a ten minute debate, before they head off down the pub for a pint – or a pint and seven pasties if Eric gets wind (ha ha) of the jolly– as he usually does.

It’s a bit like the entire squad, the coaches, half the north stand and the bloke from the portable burger stall all handing the ref a sheet of A4 demanding that he doesn’t give a red card to your prop ‘Psycho Simon’ i.e. it won’t make a blind bit of bleeding (which is what Psycho’s opposite number is doing profusely) difference.

There have been all sorts of these petitions going around – including (and I’m not making this up) ‘Convert one of our National Parks into a Dinosaur Clone park’, ‘Make May 24th a Macho Man Randy savage Day’ and ‘Lift the Ban on Kinder Egg imports’. Admittedly all of these were in the States but they all garnered signatures (presumably from Trump supporters).

However we have our own versions – ‘How we can stamp out Trolls’, ‘To reinstate Jeremy Clarkson to Top Gear’ and ‘Bring One Direction back to the UK’ – there’s also one for bringing back ‘S Club 7’ – which I suspect may be a secret underground S & M venue.

There are a couple I should have signed –‘Let’s ban Donald Trump’ and ‘Stop stupid online petitions’.

I have to admit that I did sign one about having a second referendum back in July – I realise this was a monumentally stupid act of mine – although, to be fair, not half as moronic as the bastard 52% who voted for Brexit.

The upshot of my adding my digital signature was that petition’s request was totally ignored by MPs in the debate, and now I get about 5 e-mails a day with new idiot petition ideas that some twat thinks I’ll be really interested in signing!

My own fault – I know!



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